


Soldier

by magicmilktea (spiffy_scribbler)



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2017-12-25 02:55:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/947779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiffy_scribbler/pseuds/magicmilktea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex cut herself off, so when Piper gets physically kept away, it should have been easy, right? [Complete]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There's Not Much of Me Left, but Whatever's There is Broken

She didn't say anything as they dragged her off to SHU. There wasn't anything she could have said that might have changed the course of fate right then, and so she didn't try to. She didn't say a word. She didn't mind so much as notice the knowing grimaces that she passed in the hallways, and her body didn't seem to register the hard shove into the cement-lined box of solitary confinement, so she stumbled in, falling to her knees, her upper body landing with a dull clang against the grimy frame of the cot. Perhaps it hurt, perhaps it did not. Piper Chapman didn't care. 

It didn't really matter, anyway. 

// 

Twitter had nothing on prison, especially a women's one, and it had barely been an hour since Piper had been hauled off down the hill when news came; Litchfield's resident fancy-pants had been found thoroughly tenderising the face of one Tiffany Doggett on the night of the Christmas pageant. The latter was carted off to hospital - the former thrown into solitary. A makeshift cross-turned-shiv had been found, and injuries on both had suggested enough of a story. 

'Guess she knew how to celebrate Christmas real good,' Nichols joked at dinner, but not really. There was a hint of a smile on her face, but judging by the tough crowd, she'd guessed that it was her impulse reaction to throw some dry humour into the air. It only landed her blank faces from the women around her, and she turned to Alex, who pursed her lips and let her brows furrow, hunching over her own tray without a response. 

Nichols wished she hadn't said anything at all. 

'I didn't think she had it in her,' came Poussey quietly, looking around the table with a shrug. 

Black Cindy spoke up too. 'Chapman got some fire, y'know?' She looked down at her tray with a sigh, then at everybody else. 'She gon' be all right down there, right?' If Chapman could take down the little white girl who _bitched_ in the name of Jesus maybe SHU didn't seem so daunting to her. 

Nichols wanted to say that Chapman would be fine. She'd been down in SHU herself - it wasn't exactly a weekend at St. Barth's down there, but she wouldn't die. Chapman would come back eventually, if the stories trickling down from the COs was true, and maybe she'd be a little worse for wear, but she didn't know why everyone was so wound up about it. Pennsatucky got the beating of her life, which Nicky was sure 99% of the prison was secretly happy about, and Chapman would probably come back with a crazy, hyped-up reputation, and probably might've grown a pair while she was down the hill to back it up. She looked over at Alex, and while the taller, dark-haired woman had always been enigmatic, Nichols had never more wished that she could read her. 

// 

She'd developed a system; it wasn't an easy one, but Piper figured that if there was any way that she was going to come out of SHU with her sanity intact, this was it. She didn't have the strength to cry, not a single tear, but there was a strange soothe to the chaos in her brain when she pushed her body as far as it would go. Sit-ups, push ups, squats - whatever she could scrape from memories of terrible aerobics videos, Piper used it then. There was no way of telling night from day, and so the routine revolved around mealtimes, if she could call them that. 

The first half-dozen meals had been impossible. She couldn't eat it, and even if she could, she wouldn't have. The food up in the dining hall might have been tasteless, dry, mealy or overcooked in every sense of the word, but the food in SHU couldn't be classified as food. It was garbage, and there was no denying it, not with the zoo of mould growing on the surface, and not with the putrid taste. 

By the end of the first week, however, Piper had managed to stomach most of what had been given to her in a meal, if only for necessity, and because anything she'd gained exercising would be lost if she didn't. She slept plenty, masturbating when she could, finding it passed the time a little less than she'd liked, but there wasn't much else to do. She should have been irked by the confinement, by the loneliness, but these days, Piper wasn't sure if there was much of herself any more to bother. 

// 

'I hear Pennsatucky's awake and talkin' like a parrot,' Nichols said, her shadow spilling over the pages of Alex's book as she stood by the other woman's bunk. 'That'll mean Chapman's outta the first part of the woods. No manslaughter.' She sat down on the bed beside Alex, nudging her slightly with an elbow. 'You hear me, Vause?' 

Alex pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, nodding. 'Yeah. Yeah, I heard you.' 

'That's all you gotta say about it?' 

'Is there something you'd like me to say in particular?' Dark brows knitted together in a frown, the eyes behind the glasses as incomprehensible as they had been on Christmas Day as she finally looked up from her book. 

They had been unreadable ever since, Nichols noted, but she kept it to herself. 'Whatever went down with you two outside, and whatever went down here on the inside, you know you can tell me shit, right?' Nicky put a hand on Alex's arm. She'd avoided the question, mainly because she wasn't sure she would be prepared if Alex did have something to say. She and Alex weren't in love by any means, at least not yet, but Nicky didn't specifically name whatever they had. It had been two months since she'd slid her hand into Vause's pants, and frankly, she liked putting it down there. She liked it even more when Alex's head was between her legs. Nichols liked fucking Alex Vause, and maybe she liked Alex Vause too, but they'd fallen into a rhythm that Nicky didn't dare call a relationship. If she made things too real, if she held on too tight, it would slip out of her hands, and whatever Nichols dreamed about with Alex would cease to exist altogether. 

They weren't fucking anyone else, and Nichols sure as hell wasn't planning on fucking anyone else, but she would have been an idiot to pretend like Alex was capable of completely drawing the curtain on someone, on something that had been such a large part of her life. Neither she nor Piper had ever clued anybody in on their exact history, but it only took a glance at them in the same room to know something had happened once upon a time, and that something held them both enthralled, with claws buried inches deep that kept them almost helpless. 

Nichols liked to think Alex was stronger than that, that if Alex wanted to, if she really wanted to, Alex Vause could move on from the part of her life that had made Piper its shining figure. That Alex Vause could get over Piper Chapman, and maybe, Alex Vause could have a life that didn't have Piper Chapman as anything more than a memory, or even a friend. 

Alex wouldn't say so, because she didn't know it right then, but she'd spent years holding onto a strange hybrid of love and hate for Piper Chapman, and whether she liked it or not, her heart could hold on a whole lot longer. 'I know,' was all she said. She stared down at the thumb smoothing over the skin of her arm, and offered Nicky a weak smile. She wasn't sure that she could say what Nicky wanted to hear, but then again, she wasn't sure what that was. Alex hadn't even seen the commotion that night when Piper was taken away; all she knew about it was what Morello had told her. 

_She wasn't cryin', or screamin', or nothin'. They just dragged her out to the van, and she didn't say shit. It's like she wasn't even there, y'know?_

// 

Piper didn't know whether Pennsatucky was dead or not, but down here, it wasn't worth curling up and worrying about for days on end, so she blocked it out. It hadn't been so simple when outside, but for some reason, Piper had mastered the art of it. It was almost a rhythm for sit-ups. _Pull up_ \- Larry leaving her? _Back down_ \- blocked out. _Pull up_ \- Healy letting Doggett come at her? _Back down_ \- blocked out. _Pull up_ \- Alex cutting her off forever? _Back down_ \- blocked out. 

It had been easy for her demons to come at her from all sides the last time she was in SHU, and Piper wasn't disillusioned this time - she would be in here for a while, and she'd best start fighting before they kicked her while she was down. 

Showers were another thing that she'd learned to deal with; there was a guard at all times, but there came a point when Piper was just happy to get out of her box, guard watching her be damned. She learned to balance enjoying the space outside her cell and washing quickly and efficiently enough before the guard's stare bored holes into her ass. 

It wasn't the most stimulating routine; eat, exercise, masturbate, eat, sleep, and then do it all over again tomorrow. The shower fit between the exercise and the getting off some days. It didn't bother her much that there was only one thing that she could think of, one thing that was guaranteed to send her flying off the edge when she had her hand down her pants. 

When she closed her eyes, her fingers were already slick, and all she could see was dark hair and that stupid, cocky smirk, and she imagined those long, supple fingers, and it was all Piper could do to cry out as she came, a ghost of a name leaving her lips. 

// 


	2. The Unofficial Confessions of A Lesbian Drug Smuggler.

Alex had never been the kind of person to dwell on things long - wasted time and wasted energy, as far as she was concerned - so when something didn't turn out the way she wanted or when things went wrong, she set about getting over it, or fixing it and moving forward. It was how she'd lived her life since she'd turned eighteen, and minus the fact that she'd gotten herself in prison, it had worked pretty damn well. Piper, however, had always been the exception to every rule about life Alex had ever made, and while she'd verbally burned her bridges with her, and was physically removed from her life in the literal sense, Piper Chapman had a funny way of sticking around even when she wasn't trying to. 

It was years ago, all over again. While Piper was gone - albeit forcibly so this time - and Alex made every attempt to bury the ashes the gorgeous, blonde little shit had left behind, there was no changing the fact that Piper was still _there_ somehow, _somewhere_ , and would remain there till God knew when. Alex had never hated herself more for being so weak, so unable to forget, and she'd searched for remnants of Piper in every girl she'd fucked afterwards, every woman she'd tried to love, even without meaning to. There had been those she'd tried to love more than she'd loved Piper, but loving Piper, being _in love_ with Piper, had always been a strange balancing act; loving her hadn't always been easy, but it had always been somehow _effortless_. 

Piper had made her choice, and Alex wouldn't ever say that the reason it hurt so much was because she'd really believed that Piper would choose differently. Even news of Piper going to SHU had still made something in Alex's chest twist, a certain kind of anxiety began to quietly beat in her blood, but what could she do? Turning her away right when Piper had come running had only been made easier by the fact that she was Nicky had just made her come, and of course, the angry wounds Piper had made were still fresh. 

The moment she'd heard the news, though, was the moment that Alex secretly wished that she was the kind of person who would begrudgingly take Piper back, would make her suck up and kiss her ass for a little while, before letting go of what hurt, leaving the past in the past, and slipping back into the routine of fucking her stupid in utility closets and letting Piper do the same to her under chapel alters. It would have been so easy to just make Piper grovel and cry and choke out an apology about making the wrong decision, and then return to making dirty banter in the food line and putting her arm around her as they sat hidden by library shelves. 

God, how easy it could have been to have the satisfaction of being right, and to _still_ get the girl. 

// 

When Morello turned back from the driver's seat with a sigh, smiling in a soft, knowing way, Piper tried to smile back. 

'How you doin', Chapman?' Lorna asked, as though she was only picking Piper up from school on a Friday afternoon, instead of driving her back from seven weeks of solitary confinement. She bravely reached out and patted Piper's knee; Chapman wasn't the same - nobody ever was - coming back from SHU, but there was something else that made Lorna wonder just how the woman had dealt with being down the hill for so long. 'You haven't lost your marbles on me, have you?' 

Piper managed a feeble laugh at that. She'd lost a lot of things since Christmas, but her marbles weren't included. She wouldn't let them; she'd lost too much already. 'No,' she breathed, shaking her head, speaking quietly. 'All marbles here and accounted for.' They were, weren't they? 

Morello sighed, smiling more widely as she turned back and started the engine. Something was still so off about Chapman, but she knew better than to ask. 'Good to hear. You been gone too long, you know?' 

It wasn't clear whether she meant that they'd missed her at base camp, or that she'd been punished unjustly and the COs had left her in SHU way too long, but Piper only let the thought stagnate for a moment before brushing it aside. She would have been lying if she'd said she didn't miss anyone while in confinement, but how could Piper care all that much? By the end of the second week, Piper would have passed up a meeting with anyone to have a ray of sunlight or the freedom to move in more than eight square feet. 

Survival came first, sentimentality later. 

The drive back wasn't quiet, mostly thanks to Lorna, who'd seen enough inmates return from SHU to figure that gently easing them back into life at base camp was better than acting as if they'd spontaneously sprouted corn from their ears. Chapman would be treated, seen differently once she returned, that was guaranteed, but Lorna wouldn't add fire to the trauma of solitary if she could help it. 

'You didn't miss much, 'cept Christmas dinner,' she told Piper, glancing at her through the rear-view mirror. 'I wanna say that the turkey was cardboard, but Mendoza knows her shit and it wasn't half-bad, just a little dry, but they even had these little tamale things to go with it - but don't tell Red any of that, y'hear?' 

Another weak smile, and an even weaker nod was Piper's only response. Her hands grew restless in her lap, and she rubbed the gaps between her knuckles. She was listening, for the most part, but the habit she'd developed in SHU of withdrawing into herself was hard to break. How would she keep up her exercise regime back at base? If she was in the shared rooms for too long, she wouldn't be able to have enough space for it. Maybe she'd increase her running distances in the morning too. Fresh air had never tasted like anything before today, when she'd stepped out of the building on the way to the van. Piper didn't know what it tasted like, exactly, but she knew it tasted good. To have it on her face as she ran - if she didn't know any better, she would have considered it a luxury, and she planned on getting outside as much as possible once she settled in. 

'...And the door that Flores broke down in the bathrooms got fixed, so we got a place to shit in peace again,' Lorna laughed, but it died quietly in her throat as she caught Piper's blank stare out the window. Pulling up by the path, Lorna turned back to her again. 'Chapman? We're here.' 

It took a second and a half for Piper to register the voice talking to her. 'What?' 

Lorna cocked her head toward the door. 'We're here.' 

// 

The Piper Chapman that walked through the corridors that day seemed to be an unfamiliar face to most. Stares and murmurs were inescapable - but eye contact was avoided. Nobody wanted to test the inmate who'd turned Pennsatucky's face into her personal bloodbath. 

Piper was in part grateful for the space, and the strange sort of respect, but it made returning to any sort of regularity a whole lot more difficult. The first night she'd come back, she'd never recalled sleeping so soundly while inside Litchfield's walls. She could have happily slept all day, even with the inmate on the bunk below her snoring like a machine gun. 

Doing things, physical things, was so much easier. Easier because every major muscle group in her body had been through the same process of damage and repair, soreness then wellness. Easier because doing things with her body made her think less of the green eyes that followed her when she wasn't looking. Doing things made her wonder less if she'd ever be able to consider herself a good person again, or if anyone she cared about could look at her the same if they ever knew how badly she'd fucked up in every way. 

She was placed in teaching, helping with the night classes held weekly at Litchfield, like she'd once requested when she'd first surrendered. Placing her back in electric, with all the tools, didn't seem like a good idea to anyone, and Piper was glad; at least she wouldn't be electrocuted quite so often. She'd miss Nicky, though. 

The entire Christmas incident was under review, as she'd been told by her new counsellor. Apparently Healy had taken time off; Piper figured he would be afraid of the mess she'd make upon her return from SHU, but she'd never know Figueroa's threats made his blood run cold. Piper was to be kept on tighter supervision - she had turned into one of the inmates that the COs kept a closer watch on, for their own safety more than the others. 

// 

The first time Alex laid eyes on her since her return, she'd fought her every instinct to interact. It was funny, because other than street-smarts, it had only been her instincts that had ever gotten her anywhere in life, and here she was, rebelling against them. It was a self-preservation thing, she told herself. Piper Fucking Chapman made the wrong fucking choices for the second fucking time around - what kind of pussy would she be if she'd just taken her in her arms and kissed her till she couldn't breathe? 

That was her first instinct, anyway. 

That, put on top of the fact that Piper was sporting an impressive amount of tone on an already-attractive body, meant that Alex was waging outright war on what came as second-nature. She wouldn't go to Piper, even if Piper looked more like she'd come out back from months of being stranded in the wilderness than being locked underground. 

She wouldn't give in. Not now. Not after the bullshit Piper had pulled this time. 

It didn't help that she couldn't quite fuck Nicky the same way, either. The same way meaning: at all. Alex had found reasons to get out of private get-togethers with Nicky since the news of her clash with Pennsatucky broke, and she'd always denied it was because of Piper. 

It wasn't because of Piper. 

It was because she was _in love_ with Piper. 

There was a difference. She just couldn't explain that to Nicky. 

Alex wasn't heartless - ruthless, usually, but never heartless, or at least never where Piper was concerned - and even she knew that she couldn't escape what lived and breathed in her heart like she lived and breathed in air. Piper had chosen the fiance, the picket fence and the babies and the nesting and all the rest that came in the Happy Meal of McBoring. 

A tiny voice in her head had once stubbornly insisted that if she really wanted to, she could do the babies and the nesting thing. Alex nearly barfed in her own mouth from the thought. The voice continued to taunt some days regardless. 

Alex didn't want a life of suburban bliss. 

It eventually occurred to her that she didn't really know what she wanted any more, only what she _didn't_ want. 

She didn't want to fade away, a little worker ant in the grand scheme of things. 

She didn't want to slave away for a mortgage she'd never pay off, for taxes she'd never understand, for people she'd never voted for. 

She didn't want a life without Piper Chapman, either, and that fucked up everything anyway. 

//


	3. Go Fucking Fish

'You gonna eat that?' Big Boo pointed to Alex's cornbread, left untouched on her tray.

Sitting opposite Alex, Nicky sent an eye-roll in her direction. 'Don't be a fuckin' scab, Boo.'

'It's not for me!' Big Boo pointed at the Labrador at her feet. 'It's for Little Boo! Doggies gotta have snacks, Nichols.'

'Don't worry about it, Nicky.' Alex pushed her tray towards the woman sitting beside her. 'I'm done anyway. I'm sure Little Boo would appreciate it.' She reached down to pet the dog between its ears, smiling a little.

Nicky pressed her lips together, watching Alex as she played with Little Boo from across the table, when Piper sat down beside her. She gently shouldered her. 'Bet that food looks pretty good compared to the shit in SHU,' she laughed.

It was Piper's fault that Alex had sent her on her way - Nicky remembered the day well - but the fact Piper still drew Alex's gaze like a fucking magnet wasn't. Nicky honestly missed Piper's company in electric, but it was well-known and unsaid that Piper hadn't spoken to Alex since she'd returned. It was impressive, considering Piper had been back for nearly two weeks now. The others in their group had noticed the lack of interaction between them, and those that saw Piper more regularly told Nicky that Piper often made a bee-line for the door whenever Alex appeared.

Well, at least Chapman could stick to her guns nowadays. Nicky couldn't say the same for Alex, who frequently made goo-goo eyes at the one person she'd specifically told to fuck off when said person wasn't looking. It was endearing, in a way, but also made Nicky kind of want to vomit. Romance wasn't her style, and she'd thought it wasn't Alex's either, but Nicky had been proven wrong before.

'This is fucking five star compared to food in SHU,' Piper said with a easy smile, holding up a forked broccoli floret.

'It's a piece of boiled broccoli, not fuckin' fois gras!' Nicky grinned, then made a small, sideways glance at Alex, and inwardly rolled her eyes before laughing at Piper's exaggerated moan of joy at the broccoli. 'You been havin' orgasms over this food for days, Chapman. What the hell have they been puttin' in your tray?' she continued to rib. She reached over and took a few kernels of corn from Piper's tray, tasted them, then gave the blonde a stony look. 'SHU's been fuckin' with your taste buds, my friend.'

'I wasn't sure I had any left after eating the food there for so long.' Piper made a ridiculously slow, un-sexy show of eating her beef tips at Nicky, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she put her fork between her lips. 'Mmmm.'

'That is the worst porno I've ever seen,' Nicky concluded.

//

'You're pretty chummy with Piper these days,' Alex murmured after dinner, as they sat playing cards on Nicky's bunk. She handed her remaining cards to Nicky to shuffle.

Nicky didn't bother suppressing the snort that came up. 'No, I'm not. It just looks chummy compared to the ice she's givin' you.' Gathering the deck together, she straightened the cards out, shaking her head. 'You gotta make up your mind, Vause. You're as bad as she is now.'

'Are you fucking kidding me?!' Alex barked, straightening. 'I haven't done shit like she has - '

'I smell _bullshit_ , and probably some _more_ bullshit after that,' Nicky cut in, sighing. 'And don't get so defensive. It gives you away, y'know?' She made two stacks of the cards, then shuffled them together, speaking before Alex replied. 'You need to drop it, Vause. The bullshit, I mean.' Sending a pointed look Alex's way, Nicky handed out the cards. 'You're in love with her. You're so fucking in love with her, you make me want to bring up lunch on the floor for re-examination.' There wasn't any scathing in her words, simply honesty. 'I know you said she chose her fiance on the outside or whatever, but you either go to her and make nice, or you stop makin' goo-goo eyes at her.'

Alex stared at her. '...I don't make goo-goo eyes.'

'Yeah, you fuckin' do, you big pushover.'  Nicky wasn't bitter about it, exactly. She'd been under no delusions when she and Alex had started fucking, but she had to admit that she'd jumped a little too quickly on the Alex Vause train only to figure out it was still parked in at Piper Chapman station. Possibly permanently. Nicky had let herself hope - and there was nothing wrong with that - she'd just let herself hope too fast. Nicky had just taken the hints, and begun accepting reality. It had been a rookie mistake, envisioning anything more with Alex so soon after that time she'd slipped her hand beneath Alex's waistband. 'You and Chapman have enough drama for your own L Word.'

'I wish I could find that mildly insulting, but Jennifer Beals is way too hot.' Alex adjusted her glasses with a small smile, before pointing a finger to herself. 'And I'm not a pushover.

Nicky laughed. Loudly. 'You are when it comes to Piper! Pfft, chummy my ass.' It stung only the tiniest bit, having someone with as talented a mouth as Alex slip away, but Nicky would get over it. Chapman and Vause - whatever they had, whatever they would be - were a real-life, in-the-flesh reality, and it made it a lot easier to come to terms with compared to Lorna's imaginary wedding. Nicky fanned her cards out slightly in her hands, looking them over. 'Ahh, shit...' In any case, Alex was way too much fun as a friend for Nicky to be entirely pissed at her for still wanting a piece of the Chapman pie, however fucked up Alex said it was. Or, fuck a piece, maybe Alex wanted the whole damn thing. Nicky wouldn't have been surprised. 

'I'm not gonna just welcome her back into my arms,' Alex pointed out.

'You don't have to _welcome_ her, dipshit, but you and I both know that you'd lick her pussy if she asked.' Nicky's smirk over the top of her cards was impossibly smug. 'Hell, the way she looks now, _I'd_ lick her pussy if she asked.'

'Hey, hey,' Alex began soberly, 'that's _my_ life-ruining WASP, get your own.'

'Always figured you for the possessive type, Vause.' Nicky shook her head again, chuckling. 'Seriously though, for someone who's come outta SHU, she's lookin' pretty good. Jones ain't got shit on that body.'

Alex peered at her cards, sorting them between her fingers, before letting out a soft groan, lifting her glasses. 'Ugh, don't remind me.' It took an obscene amount of effort not to pull Piper into a closet these days - to hell with the Piper-moratorium, and to hell with the insane merry-go-round that she was. Alex was seriously considering _fucking_ things out with Piper. They didn't need to talk. Alex needed Piper naked, and begging for it. Begging to fuck, begging to forgive. They could work the details out later.

Not that Nicky needed to know that.

'Oh God, I know _that_ face, you dirty pervert.' Nicky's voice popped the bubble, eyes narrowed playfully. 'Stop picturing Piper naked, and play Go-Fuckin'-Fish with me.'

Alex raised a brow, and her lips curved. 'Go fucking... _Fish_?'

'You are a filthy fuck, Vause, and this is why we are friends.'

//

Piper had understood Alex's words quite well. Alex was just another inmate, nobody she should have paid any more attention to. Alex didn't want it any of it, and she was shacked up with Nicky anyway. Piper liked Nicky, and didn't have any right to be sour about it.

She'd picked Larry.

Fucking Larry. Asshole.

SHU had given her time - more than enough of it - to replay every conversation she'd had since coming to Litchfield, and one day while she was lying on the floor with her legs up against the wall, it had dawned on her. Larry had essentially broken off the engagement, and she'd understood that. Then he'd come to realise that she wasn't going to be the same person coming out of prison as she was going in and that if he'd ever intended to marry her, he'd have to deal with her growing as a person anyway, and Piper had understood that too, but the ultimatum to get married while she was _in_ prison?

 _Insecure_ little asshole.

Piper knew she wasn't a saint, or even an emotionally stable person at the worst of times, but Larry was outside. Larry got to wake up when he wanted, eat what he wanted when he wanted, go outside when he wanted - Larry had the fucking _door_ closed when he took a piss if he wanted. Larry didn't have people like Mendez or Healy, and he certainly was free to do as he liked. She'd had an affair with Alex, and that didn't give Piper any brownie points, but for all the things that she had to live with, and without, in prison... He'd made her seem like everything was her fault, that the burden of proof was on her shoulders. Like she'd done everything wrong, and that he was a victim.

Kind of the way she'd done to Alex.

Sighing as she slowed her run to a jog, and then finally halting on the track, Piper let her head fall back, letting the frosty air nip at her skin, burning at her throat as she inhaled deeply. He'd dumped her again, too. She'd spent enough time in SHU caring about that fact, and the truth was that there wasn't anything left in her to care about it any longer. Larry had always said focus on the future, focus on real life - but this _was_ real life, _her_ life, and one of her mistakes had been believing him when he'd said everything would return to normal.

What the hell was normal supposed to be anyway?

She'd be a soap baron, and he'd be a successful journalist, he'd said, all by the time she was out. Using her misfortune to advance his 'successful' writing career didn't really seem part of the plan, but he'd done it anyway. Fucking, then falling back in love with Alex while she was engaged wasn't either, but it had happened too. It had to be said, though, that maybe she'd never stopped being in love with Alex at all.

Whatever the case, what had happened had happened, and fuck all if Piper could change it. Dealing with the consequences, strapping herself tight for whatever the ride had in store, was the only logical thing to do. There weren't any directions to point the blame, even if she'd wanted to. Nobody was to blame for anything - things had happened, and they were all caught in a tangled, shitty mess, and they'd all have their own chaos to deal with. Larry hadn't contacted her. Alex had made it very obvious that she was the person she'd least like to be around. Piper pulled on her jacket, making her way back to the building, waving to Morello as she passed.

At least her mother would be happy about getting her a new lawyer.

//

 

 

 

 


	4. Over Red's Noodles

Making her way to the Suburbs, Piper clutched her things carefully, nodding with a tiny smile at Red as she stood by her cube; the older woman patted her shoulder as Piper passed. She'd finally been assigned to the dorms again, and had managed to get herself into Red's own cube.

'Put your things down on your locker, blondie,' Red gruffed, sitting on her own bed. 'I have only two rules in my cube - keep it clean, and keep whatever drama you have outside of it.'

Piper nearly laughed. The only sources of drama she'd ever had at Litchfield were now either scared shitless of her, or wouldn't spit in her mouth if her insides were on fire. 'Understood.'

'Good, now go be a good girl and make this for me.' Red held up a cup of noodles, already lying back in her bed with a book in her other hand. When Piper didn't immediately take it, Red shook the cup expectantly, her eyes still on the pages of her novel.

Nodding with a slight smirk to herself, Piper took the noodles and headed for the common room. She'd long understood that Red wasn't being a bully; Red was the mama figurehead, and when your mama asked you to make her noodles, you made noodles. On the other hand, it made Piper feel useful, which was funny because the only things she'd felt since Christmas was useless, or downright destructive.

Who knew a cup of noodles could make you feel so much better?

She almost skipped into the common room, when she found Alex using the microwave, and Piper doubled back like she'd been yanked by a tether, pressing herself against one of the open doors. Shit. _Shit._

Had Alex seen her? Looking down at the cup in her hand, Piper tilted her head back against the wood, knocking her head a couple of times, cursing all the powers above that had decided to fuck with her again. She'd done her best to avoid Alex, to bother her as little as possible, and it was a strange feeling of accomplishment that she hadn't made any more trouble for her since coming back from SHU. Mr Christ knew she'd fucked up enough already. If Alex didn't want anything to do with her, then Piper would at least honour the request.

'Inmate!' barked a passing CO. 'What the hell are you doing?' He was frowning, more confused than anything at the fact that Piper was pressed against the door, like she was playing spy, with a cup of noodles in hand. 'Get off the damn door!'

Piper fought the urge to swear at the guard, reluctantly peeling herself away from the door right as Alex appeared in the doorway. Piper wanted to drop her gaze, look elsewhere, anywhere, but Alex -

Alex was laughing at her.

'Glad to see you brought back some of the crazy from SHU,' Alex said around a smirk, and Piper nearly stamped her foot.

Even though she had no claim on being angry with Alex, Piper was indignant, but as she let herself look at Alex's face again, she suddenly withdrew. 'Sorry,' Piper mumbled, dropping her head and walking around the other woman.

Alex followed her. 'What, you too good to play James Bond with everybody else?' she drawled, leaning on the bench the microwave sat on. 'You used to like playing with me.'

'Please move.' Piper tapped her cup, her eyes suddenly finding the sticky floor fascinating. 'Your arm is in the way.'

Pressing her lips together in a half-smile, Alex lazily pushed off the bench. 'As the lady wishes.' She didn't move from her spot, opening her bag of popcorn and watching Piper make the noodles.

Piper felt her gaze like a heat wave. 'What?!' she snapped, finally turning her head to look at Alex, who oh so calmly popped a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth with a laugh.

'First I can't play spy with you, now I can't look at you?' Alex sighed, shaking her head. 'That's a little much, Pipes.'

Putting the cup down, Piper's voice sounded weary when she said, 'Why are you doing this?'

Alex couldn't have answered right at that moment, even if she'd had something funny to say, because Piper's eyes had gone soft in that way that only she knew, that way that said that Piper wasn't just confused, but she was hurting. Alex shifted her glasses slightly. 'Doing what?' she asked dumbly, shrugging.

'This.' Piper didn't blink, only waving her hand lamely, continuing to stare at Alex with a gaze filled with exhaustion. 'Talking to me.' If this was Alex's idea of fun, teasing her, when she'd so ruthlessly demanded nothing to do with her -

'Is that not allowed?' Alex chuckled, raising a brow, a few kernels of popcorn between her fingers. 'Have they upgraded the rules to say that talking is lesbian activity too?'

Piper resisted the desire to roll her eyes, taking the hot cup of noodles from the bench, walking past Alex. Alex had every right to be mad at her, but taunting and making fun of her when she'd flatly turned her away was an entirely crueller way of doing things.

'Hey, wait a second.'

Alex caught up to her in a few quick strides - fucking long legs - but Piper continued to walk as though she hadn't heard.

'Hey, Pipes, come on.' A hand on Piper's arm stopped her, and Alex came to stand in front of her again, offering a smile. 'I was just messing with you.'

'Why?' 

The question floored Alex even more this time. 'I - '

'You said not to come to you,' Piper went on, staring at the space over Alex's shoulder to avoid the green of her eyes that always made her say and do stupid things. 'You said I couldn't ever come to you again.' And yet, Piper's blue eyes were drawn in to Alex's green ones and, not for the first time, it hurt to speak as she looked into them. 'I picked Larry, and you didn't want anything to do with me after that. That's fine, you know?' She nodded, her mouth set in a grim line. 'I fucked that up pretty badly, so I guess I deserved it. And you know, Larry doesn't want me either, so maybe you're on the right track there. I wasn't worth the trouble, for either of you, and I get that.' Piper lifted her shoulders in a shrug, the tiniest tug at the corners of her lips in a sad, weak smile. 'I don't blame either of you. It's fine.' A sigh passed through her lips, her eyes tracing the lines of Alex's face absently. 'I used to be scared that prison made me not myself... But I got to see my whole self and nothing _but_ myself for a good seven weeks, and you know what?'

Alex swallowed, pushing her glasses up, viciously holding down every urge in her body to cup that face and kiss that mouth and those baby blue, but Piper continued before she had the chance to think of anything else.

'I saw myself, Alex, and I fucking _hate_ me, y'know?' Piper laughed, like there was really something funny, but there wasn't a single trace of joy in the sound that came out. 'I know what I am - self-centred, manipulative, compulsive destroyer of happiness - I know.' She leaned forward slightly, her mouth twisting. 'I _know_.' Another humourless laugh escaped her, and Piper looked down at the cup of noodles in her hands. 'So I get why you don't want me, and I get why Larry doesn't want me. I totally understand. I'm fine with you not wanting to be around me, Alex. You have every right to want that.'

No, Alex wanted to say. That wasn't true. Larry was a prick, and Piper had been an idiot, but then, so had she. In that respect, she and Piper were perfect for each other. In every other respect, they were still perfect, and Alex couldn't ignore the twinges in her chest as Piper spoke. Protective was one thing she'd always been around Piper, but how did she protect someone from their own fucking thoughts.

Nodding slowly with a sigh, Piper's mouth turned into a thin, eerily calm smile, her blue eyes suddenly cold. 'I'm a sociopath who has ruined every good relationship I've ever had, but you don't get to rub it in my face for your own fucking amusement.'

//

Alex had been left standing there like an idiot, turning to watch Piper walk back to the dorms, mute and dumb in equal parts. She'd said it herself - Piper was fucked up - but to hear it from Piper's own mouth was alarmingly unnerving.

There'd been something in Piper's eyes - and yet there hadn't been anything at all. Those blue eyes were so full of a kind of pain that made Alex ache, and then they were so empty of anything remotely _Piper_.

She hadn't missed the little factoids about Larry, though. So the douchebag had finally cut himself loose. Alex had been both angry and envious that Piper had chosen that, chosen the home in Park Slope, the boat shoes, and the white-collar husband, and the day that Larry had come to see her, she'd let the words spill from her mouth like battery acid. Whether she knew it or not, the things she'd said had been sharp, deliberate. She'd wanted to ruin Piper the way Piper had ruined her, and yet she'd wanted Piper to come back. Maybe her tirade with Larry had been some fucked up way of breaking them apart, making Piper want to come running.

Yet, she'd told her to fuck off.

All of Piper's options were exhausted, and she'd been driven into a corner with nowhere to run. Not a week later, Piper was in SHU, and she'd had to stay down there without even the thought of something to come back to.

It made Alex feel sick, but it wasn't her fault that Piper was the way she was. She didn't owe Piper anything. It wasn't her fault that Piper made her fucked up choices, and it wasn't her fault that Piper had gotten thrown into SHU. It wasn't her fault that Piper seemed broken in all the places that she couldn't see.

So why did it feel like it was?

//

She'd planned on avoiding Alex for Alex's convenience, but Piper redoubled her efforts in staying away for her own this time. Alex had always been sly, and for a long time, it had been an attractive trait, but Alex had never been purposefully cruel.

Did Alex hate her enough now for that?

Piper exhaled as she lowered a stack of books onto the library counter. It didn't matter, anyway. In a twisted, fucked up way, she owed Alex, for hurting her, for starting something that she didn't have the balls to follow through. For making it okay to love her, then picking someone else anyway. Alex had wanted _out_ in every way, and because Piper owed her, she'd respected Alex's wishes down to the letter.

Right up until Alex thought it was okay to taunt her for it.

'Yo, Hot Tits, you gonna stand there all day?'

Blinking as she looked around, Piper managed to turn the grimace on her face into a lame smile when she noticed Taystee, who leaned forward on the trolley of books she was sorting.

'You lookin' good, girl,' Taystee went on, tilting her head from side to side in disbelief. 'Damn, they send you to SHU or Fitness First?'

'I would've taken Fitness First in a heartbeat,' Piper admitted. Fitness First and their drill sergeant trainers and pocket-burning, slave contracts sounded like heaven when she thought about SHU.

Taystee chuckled. 'Yeah, I bet.' She straightened and slotted two books on the shelf above, her voice suddenly clearer. 'Y'know, just 'cause you ain't in the Ghetto no more, don't mean you can't sit with us at lunch and shit.' Taystee gave her a smile then, one that didn't hide behind a joke. 'We glad you all right, after what happened with the Jesus lady.'

The lump that had begun to form in Piper's throat at the memory of Pennsatucky in the snow almost immediately dissipated. 'Th-... Thanks, Taystee.' The sting in her eyes came as a surprise, but Piper blinked the tears back. Everyone at Litchfield had either stayed away or been friendly enough since her return, but this was the first time any of them had brought up the Christmas incident _and_ expressed remote concern for her wellbeing. The subject had been brought up before, but usually in amusing reference to how Pennsatucky should have been grateful to Piper for finally getting that new set of teeth. Or at how 'bad ass' Piper had become since first coming to prison.

'Hey now, what happened to the gangster Chapman that came back from SHU?' Despite Piper managing to hold back on the crying, Taystee had spotted the glint. She made a serious face. 'Your street cred gonna drop if you start cryin' up in here.'

Piper laughed. 'Yeah, I'll remember that.' Nodding, she turned toward the doors. 'Thanks again.'

'Yeah, yeah, Hot Tits, get outta here if you ain't gonna read.'

//


	5. The Electric Duo

Nicky had forgotten just how much fun Chapman-and-Vause-drama could be. It was even funnier because they'd practically switched roles in their own soap, and Nicky could have sat back with a bowl of popcorn it was so good.

To think, she'd nearly gotten in the middle of all the fun.

She, probably more than any other inmate, enjoyed seeing the pair of them in the same room, mostly because the Piper that had come back from SHU wasn't the same Piper that had gone in, and the Alex that had told Piper to take a hike was currently MIA. Nicky was sure that this was a different Alex, because the Alex that Nicky saw every day did a very admirable sad puppy look, and she'd been sure the Alex Vause she'd been fucking had been pretty much incapable of it.

Either that, or this was something that only Piper Chapman could bring out in Alex, and for that, Nicky would have saluted her. The Piper that had first come to Litchfield hadn't been Nicky's idea of Alex's Achilles heel. _That_ flimsy one? _She_ was supposed to have been the conqueror of the mighty Vause?

Nicky still wasn't privy to the details of their history - nobody really was - but she was endlessly curious, because whatever was between Alex and Piper was so potent that Nicky was never sure if there was more electricity, emotion or outright tension in the way that they looked at each other. Although Nicky would admit that Piper was a lot better at the stone-cold thing nowadays, but the fact that she reserved it for Alex alone told Nicky more than enough.

Alex, meanwhile, was constantly stumbling on the line between being pissed off and wounded like a kicked dog, and Nicky figured she'd never get to see the great Alex Vause in such a pitiful state ever again, so she watched keenly. The things that Chapman could do to Alex, the kind of power she had over her without even trying, fascinated Nicky.

Climbing up the ladder in the common room, tool belt around her waist and a replacement fluorescent bulb under her arm, Nicky looked up at the turned off light. She hadn't gotten her daily soap episode yet; Piper had sat with the girls from the Ghetto at breakfast, and so Nicky had all fingers and toes crossed that she'd sit with them at lunch.

Nicky didn't know whether to call what Alex and Piper whenever they made eye contact: mutual conflict of interest? Hostility versus civility? Eye sex?

Yeah, it was definitely eye sex.

'Haven't seen you fixing much lately,' a voice said from below, and Nicky looked down to find Piper standing by the ladder with a grin.

'Yeah,' Nicky scoffed with a smile, 'something broke so I'm finally useful again.' Unscrewing the old tube, she began installing the replacement. 'How's the night class job treating you? That college degree helpin' much?'

Piper clutched the thick textbook from the library to her chest, shrugging. 'Not really. They've got me helping in something I didn't take in college, so...'

Nicky checked the tube before slowly stepping down the ladder, and suddenly found she couldn't resist what came out next. 'You and Vause are doin' good, I hear,' she teased. It was now part of the status quo that Chapman and Vause had a strange, strange sort of strain, and Nicky prided herself in being the only one brave - or stupid - enough to joke about it to either of them.

An unladylike grunt came from Piper, and Nicky laughed harder. 'Man, you two make my day worth wakin' up for, you know?'

'I don't really see how,' Piper said flatly. Alex was persistent, and she always had been, but even then, Alex had known when something wasn't worth the effort. Piper found it easier to simply pretend that Alex wasn't even in the same prison - at least when she wasn't in the same room.

When she _was_ in the same room...

'The Electric Duo, together again.'

Snapping her head towards the door, Piper felt her stomach turn to lead.

Nicky, on the other hand, could not have grinned any wider. 'Oh, hey Vause.' She glanced with a smirk at Piper, who looked somewhere between severely uncomfortable, and oddly lost.

'I - I'll see you later, Nicky - ' Piper managed, starting to turn away, but she'd forgotten that she'd kept a rule of out-of-arm's-reach when with Alex for a reason, because Alex's hand stopped her, gently settling on her shoulder.

Gently prying apart the barricade she'd fought so hard to build.

'You don't have work till later,' Alex said, with the tiniest of smiles. She knew very well that Piper made it her business to escape whenever she was in the vicinity, but Alex was an opportunist, and she'd seen the opening when Piper was with Nicky, and jumped in head first. Leaped, even. 'Where are you gonna go?'

'Away.' _Like you asked me to_. Piper wriggled almost childishly from Alex's hand - not unnoticed by either of the other two women, the taller of which suppressed the urge to laugh at how adorable she looked - and stepped back, walking to the door without another word.

Alex sighed deeply, watching her leave. '...Fuck.'

' _Fuck_ is right, Vause. You're losing your touch.'

'Fuck off, Nicky.'

'Yeah, you told Piper to fuck off, too,' Nicky chuckled. 'And now look at you.' 

//

Piper couldn't understand why Alex insisted on goading her.

_You may never come to me again._

And yet, these days, Alex came quite readily to her.

Sitting in the cubicle with the door in the bathrooms, Piper ignored the vicious rapping of knuckles on the other side. 'Not done, sorry,' she said automatically, pulling out a candy bar from her khakis and unwrapping it.

Not done thinking.

Not done wondering.

Not done with Alex.

God, she'd tried so hard to be _done_ with Alex. Third attempt in total, and Piper now knew that third time lucky was bullshit. She chewed on the candy, annoyed. Alex had done it so easily, had sent her packing so easily, and the one time that Piper thought it might be able to be mutual, Alex came sweeping back in like she'd never said the words at all.

Piper hated that even with the walls she'd built, even though she'd come out of SHU determined to make decisions for her own good rather than what was easy, even though she'd felt freer than she'd felt in a long, long time, all Alex had to do was _appear_ , and she was spooked. Unnerved. Like a fucking deer in headlights.

What Piper hated even more, and what she'd never admit to herself nor anyone else, was that even though Alex steadily wore away at the barricade she'd built, Piper didn't know if she could find it in herself to repair the damage.

//

Alex didn't mind so much that Piper made like a bullet whenever she was around. It was almost a twisted, fucked up game of cat and mouse, if she thought about it the right way, and chases had always been a specialty of hers. She didn't mind so much that Piper rebuffed her at every turn. Piper had always been good at repartee, and there was always something in the way that Piper denied Alex when no other could that made her want it more - it had always been the case, even back then - and Alex still loved it about her.

What bothered Alex about Piper's bull-headed mission was that when Alex tried to initiate contact, she never seemed to reach _Piper_. It was one thing when Piper had been downright hostile back when she'd first arrived, but Alex couldn't shake the feeling that, now, Piper somehow retreated when she was around, as though the Piper who coldly tossed back her - very witty - banter if not ignoring it outright was simply on autopilot, and the Piper that Alex loved, the one who loved showers and had a weakness for artisan chocolates, had hidden herself somewhere in that lust-inducing body.

It had perturbed Alex to no end, being unable to reach Piper, like there was some sort of wall of ice between them. Every tack she tried, every approach she made, produced the same response like a goddamned answering machine, and Alex grew more frustrated with every failed attempt. Piper had built a fortress, and everything Alex tried was met with a well-planned defence mechanism, while Piper herself sat buried inside.

Until today.

It had taken a lot of self-control not to simply squish the fuck out of Piper Chapman when she'd been so fucking adorable, and Alex almost felt she could have done it without Piper wanting to stab her in the eye.

Almost.

Alex was probably far too pleased with herself with such relatively small progress, but progress was _progress_. Whatever barriers Piper had decided to put up, Alex was wearing them down, little by little. She didn't mind how long it might take. She was going to be in prison for a long time.

Might as well use it wisely.

//

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Straight As Gay Can Be

'Jesus Christ, Pipes.' Polly leaned forward onto the table, peering at the gaunt face of her best friend; Piper's eyes were still a little sunken, her cheeks hollow. She didn't want to think about what Piper had looked like  _fresh_  out of SHU. Reaching over, she tucked a stray lock of Piper's hair behind her ear, trying harder than she ever had to offer a smile.

It was difficult, when Piper looked the way she did. When Piper couldn't even look her in the eye.

'I'm fine, Pol.'

'Are you out of your  _fucking_  mind?' Polly snapped, earning a glare from the guard on duty. She leaned closer across the table, lowering her voice but saying very plainly, 'You look like death's undead whore. Plus, you keep looking at the floor like it's a fucking light show.' Covering one of Piper's hands with her own, there was no disapproving frown, no judging stare. 'Piper.' Both of her hands covered Piper's, and Polly's voice was as clear as day. 'Hon, look at me.'

Piper couldn't bear to, but her head moved all on its own, and her gaze met Polly's. How her best friend had managed to come alone, without her mother or even Larry, after they'd gotten wind of the mess she'd made was beyond her. She could only guess that the prison had given the new lawyer her parents had hired a watered down version of events.

'I don't think you understand what I had to do to stop your mother from hauling ass over here with me,' Polly said with an open smile, as though she'd read Piper's mind. 'I'm still not sure what happened over Christmas, but you're my best friend, dumb ass. I'm still going to love you. Even if you shanked a guard. Who else is going to listen to you when everyone else thinks you've lost your shit?'

'...That is true,' Piper conceded slowly, nodding, a smile worming its way through. The normalcy was foreign somehow, and yet Piper eased into it effortlessly. Perhaps it was why Polly was her best friend. In the world. In the history of the universe. Piper found strength in the fact, and it all flew from her mouth, from Pennsatucky's note to her and Alex's affair, right up to getting thrown into SHU.

'Fuck, Piper.'

A nod of the head was Piper's only reply. Polly was the single soul who'd abided by her decisions and scolded her when they went wrong without ever abandoning her, but then, she'd never beaten someone within inches of death before, and she'd never gone to prison before, and she'd certainly never had an affair with the woman who'd named her to the feds before.

'Well,' Polly sighing, 'at least you look ripped.' She gently pinched Piper's forearm and whistled. 'That, my dear, is impressive.'

'You said I looked like death's undead whore.'

'That too. Death's ripped, undead whore.'

Piper laughed then, so warmly and richly than she'd ever remembered since coming from the SHU, that she didn't notice the tears she'd begun to cry. 'I missed you, Pol.' She'd missed sunlight, and she'd missed fresh air, and she'd thought she'd missed those things above all - but fuck, she'd be damned if she didn't miss Polly  _every second_  she was still in prison.

'You should do something about that, by the way,' Polly added, pressing her lips together in a thin smile, motioning to her face. 'I don't think even Supercunt is attracted to zombies. Are you eating okay?' She pulled out a tissue from her pocket, as though Piper crying was perfectly normal.

'I'm eating fine.' Shaking her head dismissively, Piper squeezed Polly's hands reassuringly before wiping her eyes. She was  _technically_  eating, and she was grateful for any food that was above the kind she got in SHU. 'I probably looked worse straight out of SHU.' Even Sister Ingalls and Sophia had told her she was looking healthier nowadays; no more waxy pallor, and the dark circles beneath her eyes were beginning to fade, at last. Her weight remained stagnant, but nobody expected miracles from someone who spent that long down the hill.

Polly nodded, a tiny sigh of relief blowing past her lips. 'Your mom really wants to visit,' she told Piper, 'so expect the hurricane to blow in sometime. After we all realised that you hadn't contacted any of us in weeks, she smelled a rat. As she does. She lost her shit and got you a new lawyer, after she found out Larry's dad wasn't going to help you.'

That was expected, but Piper didn't want to talk about Larry. 'What did they tell you?'

'That you were in solitary for unruly behaviour.' Polly shrugged. 'Something like that. They didn't mention that you beat down a meth-head, which I give you the highest of fives for, by the way. I'm totally putting you on baby-sitting duty when you get out, Finn could use a bodyguard.'

Piper's face was grim. 'Hey.'

'...Sorry.' Polly put her hands up in apology. 'But seriously, come on, if I'd known you could do that earlier, I would've set you on at least two ex-boyfriends.'

'Polly!'

'Kidding.'

'I don't think I'm remotely stable enough to be around a child, anyway,' Piper mumbled. 'And please don't tell my mother what really happened. Jesus.' Smiling, getting along with people, came more easily than it had first coming out of SHU, mostly because Piper reminded herself that nothing would get better if she fucked herself over. She didn't try to keep her head down like a wallflower, but she would be in prison for at least another year, not counting whatever time they would add for her incident.

Piper had to make the best of it. Whatever  _it_  was.

She wouldn't get better if she didn't try.  _Nothing_  would get better.

'Are you insane? I'd sooner eat a whole grapefruit, skin-on, than tell your mother that her debutante daughter is now a bad-ass vigilante. You're plenty stable, Pipes,' Polly said. 'Some Jesus freak came at you, and you just spent the last two months in a tiny underground space.' She smiled again, squeezing Piper's hand back. 'Everyone's gonna be a little fucked up after that. You need to take care of yourself in here, no matter what happens.'

Piper swallowed thickly. 'I know.' She needed to fight, to make her own hard decisions - for her own good - and she'd been fighting since she'd first felt sun on her face all those weeks ago.

There wasn't anybody at Litchfield who could do it for her.

Looking over Polly's face, Piper tilted her head and squinted. '...Are you really not bothered by the fact that I brutally smashed another inmate's face?'

'The inmate was a psycho hillbilly who wanted to kill you.' Polly scoffed. 'I'd be more bothered if you took it like a pussy.'

'I love you so much, Pol.'

* * *

'How's Project Fuck-Chapman-Within-Inches-of-Not-Walking goin'?' was the first thing Alex heard as she made her bed, and she rolled her eyes as she pulled her glasses down from her hair, turning to find Nicky leaning on the half-wall of her cube with a greasy grin.

'Abysmally.'

'She was an ass, and you were an ass,' Nicky sighed. 'You're made for each other. Warms the depths of my black heart. I think I dodged a bullet with you, though, Vause - '

'How was I an ass?!' Alex hissed, staring at Nicky, her jaw dropping an inch or so.

'Because you're doing this stupid fuckin' dance around her like she don't know any better.' Nicky nearly laughed at Alex's face, but instead pulled her along to breakfast. 'Come on Vause, you told her to piss off, and whaddaya know, she's got the balls to stay away, and now you're whining and shit 'cause she didn't come running back? You tell  _me_  what's wrong with that picture.'

'I didn't -...' Alex let out a groan. 'I didn't mean it like that.' She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. 'I was just... I was just really, really fucking pissed, y'know?' They joined the line in the dining hall, and Alex crossed her arms over her chest. It was easy to say that Piper was bad for her - bad for anyone - and it wasn't that there wasn't any truth in the statement, just a matter of how true it was. Was Piper bad enough for her that she needed to stay away?

'Yeah, I feel ya. I was pissed at Morello when she did the whole fiance bullshit, but I made nice. Always better to have one more friendly face in this place than one you can't talk to.' Nicky patted her on the shoulder before she turned to take a tray.

Piper walked into the dining hall then, with Sister Ingalls at her side. Alex only turned away at the nudging at her side, muttering a sorry as she finally took the tray being held in front of her.

'Christ, you got it bad.' Nicky chuckled. 'I gave Chapman this same advice a long time ago,' she said as they walked to a table. 'Cut the bullshit, and say what you gotta say. Be straight with her.' She paused in her tracks. 'Well, straight as a dyke can be, anyway.'

* * *

It was 4:32am when Alex's bladder decided it couldn't wait any longer, and she shoved her glasses onto her nose, grabbing the roll of toilet paper as she trudged to the bathrooms in her flip flops.

Rubbing her eyes behind her glasses, Alex's steps slowed at the echoing sound coming through the hallway to the bathroom. She rounded the corner, and amidst the usual dank was the faint, but unmistakeable smell of sick. The sound came again, and Alex heard it clearly this time - an awful, deep retching, then coughing, panting. Retching and heaving, then gasping for air.

Looking into the first stall she came across, Alex's fingers nearly went slack around the roll of toilet paper.

'Pipes?'

The blonde was hunched over the toilet, almost cradled up against it, and she barely looked over her shoulder. She kept her back to Alex, panting over the toilet. 'Don't,' she said brokenly. 'Please just-... Please just go-' And then her body heaved, and she quickly stuck her head into the toilet bowl and threw up again.

Alex didn't need to think twice. Quick steps, and a hand that gently pulled Piper's hair away from her face as the other rubbed her back, kneeling beside her.  _Fuck_. She almost winced when Piper retched again, coughing.  _What the fuck had happened?_

'Did you eat something bad?' she asked quietly, suddenly struck frozen as Piper turned her head to look at her, a wry smile on her face.

'All the food in this place is bad.' Piper wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, laughing dryly. As much as she appreciated the food up here compared to the SHU, categorically speaking, all prison food was bad food.

Alex didn't smile back, but she traced the curve of Piper's mouth with her eyes. She hadn't been on the receiving end of one of those smiles in a long while. 'Did one of Doggett's meth-heads poison you?' she pressed, frowning.

Piper shook her head, inhaling deeply, finally able to breathe. She slumped back, sitting back against the cubicle wall, squeezing her eyes shut as she tilted her head back.

'Piper.' Alex couldn't say anything else. Piper's face was still thin, jaw still sharper than normal. She'd improved, since before, but up close, gaze honing in on every angle that was too sharp, Alex suddenly couldn't breathe, and in that moment she thought that she wanted to hold Piper more than she'd ever wanted anything.

'Alex,' Piper replied evenly, eyes still closed.

'Are you just going to pretend throwing up like that is normal?'

'It is for me.'

'What, are you bulimic?' Alex sputtered, and she immediately regretted how insensitive she'd sounded. What  _if_  Piper was bulimic?

Piper laughed at that. 'No.'

'Then what?'

'Why do you care?' The words were soft, curious, and Piper straightened and opened her eyes, tilting her head.

Alex took a breath, shaking her head, shrugging, Nicky's advice ringing through her head like an alarm that wouldn't turn off. She groped for something to say, and a way to say it, when Piper continued.

'I'm in here every fucking night,' she mused, almost smiling to herself, like she was telling a great story, running her eyes over the grout in the tiles on the floor. 'I finally get to eat food that doesn't make me want to throw up - and I throw it up anyway because my stomach can't take it.' Piper chuckled to herself. 'All sensitive tummy issues and shit, it's a little late for me to be all princess WASP again.'

Like a sheet had been pulled from Alex's eyes, it suddenly made sense. Why Piper looked the way she did - why she looked like she wasn't getting better. Her body seemed fine when she was walking around in khakis, but it hadn't occurred to Alex, or anyone else, why Piper's face seemed as lean as it was the day she came back. Why Piper so ate so much at mealtimes, and even more snacking in between.

She was trying to replace what she'd thrown up the night before.

'Jesus, Piper, if you're sick, you have to - you have to see the medic - '

'I've been to the medic,' Piper said calmly. 'They said it'd go away soon.'

'Pipes, you've been out of the SHU for over a month.' Alex leaned forward, frowning again. Why was it so hard to talk to her? 'That doesn't sound like soon to me.'

Piper only shrugged.

Something in Alex's jaw twitched. 'Will you stop doing that?'

Piper's brows lifted innocently. 'Doing what?'

'That! Where you just talk to me like I'm a fucking stranger, like you don't even see me, or hear what I'm fucking saying - '

'That's what you wanted, isn't it?' Piper hadn't raised her voice by a single decibel, but her words kept slicing through Alex more than any yelling could have ever done.

Alex searched Piper's eyes, for something, anything, but the walls of ice were up again, and she couldn't see  _Piper_  past the blue. 'Piper, listen...'

'No, you listen.' Piper folded her legs, her hands on her knees. 'You asked me to leave you alone, and I owe you that much, so let's not make things harder by you feeling obligated to care about me after I got thrown into the SHU.'

'That's not what I'm doing.'

Piper's brows knitted together, and Alex didn't miss the way that something in her eyes softened. 'Then what the hell  _are_  you doing, Alex?' She suddenly looked lost, tired. 'I've given you what you asked for. What more do you want from me?'

So this was how it felt to change her mind, to yank someone around by a tether. It had been Piper's mistake before, and even though Alex couldn't help how she felt, she was probably the one giving emotional whiplash now instead of Piper. 'I'm sorry, all right?'

'What?'

'I'm sorry for what I said to you in the library that day.' Alex sighed, looking down at the toilet roll in her lap. Apologies were never the strong suit of a powerful heroin importer. 'I'm sorry for turning you away when you came to me.'

'You shouldn't be, though,' Piper told her, shaking her head. 'I made my choices, and you had every right to say and do what you did. We live through the consequences of what we choose.'

' _You're_  my choice, you fucking shit, so stop with the Yoda pity-party bullshit already.'

Piper stared, her gaze unexpectedly placid against Alex's frustration, masking her surprise, eyebrows lifting only slightly. 'Well, that's a confession if I've ever heard one.'

'Fucking hell, Piper, come here.' Alex abruptly reached over with an inward groan, dragging Piper between her legs and pressing her close - but almost immediately recoiled. 'You're a fucking stick.' It didn't stop her from squeezing her, though.

'Such a smooth talker, Alex.' Piper didn't struggle, only going slack at her touch and letting herself be held for the first time in a long time.

'Quiet, Ice Princess, you're ruining the moment.'

Piper couldn't throw back smart-ass replies for much longer, if the lump in her throat told her anything. When she felt Alex's lips over her forehead, then her hair, she felt the familiar sting in the backs of her eyes, and she willed herself not to cry.

It didn't work.

Piper pressed her face into Alex's shirt, biting her lip to stem any possible sobbing. The last thing she needed was to be a blubbering, vomiting mess.

'You're gonna be okay, kid.  _We're_  gonna be okay,' Alex soothed, pressing her cheek to the top of Piper's head with a slow smile. 'I mean, let's face it, nothing about us was ever that conventional anyway.'

Piper rubbed her nose with her hand. 'So I take it we're really not opening the pottery studio in Vermont and wearing Tevas?' she asked, lifting her head to look at Alex's face.

A low, husky chuckle came from Alex's throat. 'Fuck, no.'

'...I could have been cute wearing a pair of Tevas,' Piper mused.

'You're cute wearing fucking  _nothing,_  so we're sure as hell not wearing Tevas.'

Alex finally peed that night when she'd felt she'd satisfied her cuddle quota for the moment, and it was already past five when she walked Piper to her cube before heading to her own. They still had issues, things to talk about - but as long as they were talking again, and now that Piper wouldn't run like a scared rabbit at the sight of her, Alex didn't care which came first.

* * *

**_Hey, just a quick author's note; I'm so sorry it's taken so long to upload the rest of this, but this story is actually complete on ff.net, but I had some issues with the rich text option on this site. I'll be uploading the chapters gradually, because there are still formatting issues I have to fix in each chapter (as you can see, I only just realised that there is the horizontal line tool on AO3 OTL), but they'll probably be in lots every couple of days. Hope you're enjoying it :)_ **


	7. Special Orders

'Um,' Piper asked hesitantly, pointing to the bowl of oatmeal and the banana on her tray, 'what's this?' Everyone around her was being ladled overcooked eggs and mystery sausage.

Had she overcooked those noodles for Red?

How the hell had she managed to fuck up instant noodles?

Why was Red punishing her so many weeks later?!

'Your friend told me you have stomach ache,' Red said, coming from the kitchen and leaning on the wall. She'd reclaimed the kitchen not too long ago. 'Made special order for you, paid me even more to have it delivered as soon as possible. Steel-cut oatmeal, Manuka honey, and organic bananas.' She chuckled, wiping her hands with a dishcloth. 'Pricey, even on the outside.'

Piper's mouth dropped open as she nodded slowly, about to ask which friend she was referring to, when Red suddenly reached over the counter and smacked the side of her head, making the women around her lean away.

'You should have told me you were feeling sick,' Red said, shaking her head. 'I would have had something for you sooner.'

'Oh - well - um - thank you - thanks, Red.' Piper nodded again, taking her tray and hurrying to a table before she blocked the line, the slap to the side of the head probably doing more than just jarring her.

Nicky was there already when she sat down, raising her eyebrows at the bowl on Piper's tray. '...Why the fuck do you get oatmeal when I get rubbery eggs? Please tell me that there's a rat in there because you pissed Red off again.'

'Uh...' Piper warily looked down at the bowl. It actually seemed... Decent. Steel-cut oatmeal? Organic bananas? She looked down at the small pool of honey melting over the it, and the bright yellow of the banana. A stomach ache?

'You'd better finish that.'

Alex passed behind to sit down beside her, poking her own eggs with a fork.

Blue eyes widened. 'You ordered it from Red for me.' It should have been obvious from the moment Red had mentioned a stomach ache, but Piper was having trouble processing it.

'Oatmeal and bananas are less likely to fuck with your stomach,' Alex said simply, throwing a tiny piece of toast at Nicky who'd smiled knowingly and smirked better than any rendition of the Cheshire cat, but immediately focused on her orange juice when Piper turned to look at her. Alex picked up Piper's spoon, handing it to her. 'And they're more likely to stay down.'

Nicky wanted to laugh, and was barely holding her composure. ' _Yeah_ , Chapman, trust your ol' buddy Vause to take care of ya,' she snickered.

It earned Nicky a kick to the shin, courtesy of a long leg belonging to one Alex Vause.

Nicky kicked right back.

As both women held in grunts of pain, Piper stirred the honey into her oatmeal, trying not to smile too widely. It had been over a week since Alex had first found her projecting her inner organs into the metal toilet, and every night since then, Alex had followed her into the bathroom like a sleeper cell, with a bottle of water and toilet paper to wipe her mouth. They didn't talk as much - vomit be thanked - but Alex sat with her till the heaving subsided, then held her till the nausea did too. Now the tummy-friendly food? 'Thanks, Alex.'

Rubbing where Nicky had shoved her boot, Alex straightened and managed a casual shrug. 'Sure.'

* * *

Piper had come to appreciate company since her time in SHU, so when Morello asked if she wanted to play Scrabble with her and Big Boo, she readily said yes.

'Ahh, fuck,' Big Boo grunted, sorting through her tiles. 'I got enough D's here to fuck myself with for a thousand years, and I'm fuckin' gay.'

The image did not go well in Piper's head, and she scrunched her nose. 'Great visual.'

Big Boo chuckled. 'I'm always available, Chapman, just say the word.'

'...Appreciate the offer, but I think I'm good.'

'Yeah, yeah,' Big Boo said dismissively, 'we all know you're Vause's woman, it's all good.'

Piper dropped her tiles. 'Excuse me?'

'You and Vause,' Morello backed up. 'You're uh... Y'know.' Lorna cocked her head towards the door, where Alex had just come in. 'It's okay, we know.'

Piper looked over at Alex; Alex winked, and Piper felt her ears turn red, quickly gathering her fallen letters. 'You all know what, exactly?'

'That if we lay a hand on Vause, you're gonna knock our teeth out like you did Pennsatucky, and if anyone so much as says shit about you, Vause is gonna ruin their lives.' Big Boo said it as though she were talking about the weather, and Piper blinked.

'Everyone's scared shitless of you, and if they're not scared o'  _you_ , they're scared o'  _her_ ,' Lorna explained.

'I'm sorry,' Piper said politely, stacking her cardboard letters, 'I'm still not following.'

'You're back to fucking,' Big Boo said plainly. 'Everyone can practically  _feel_  the fucking when you two are around. Jesus Christ.'

Piper didn't correct her, but she wasn't sure it would have made a difference anyway.

She and Alex weren't actually fucking, per se. They were talking, flirting, and admittedly, they were together a lot. They were not, however, screwing around in the chapel, or in utility closets, or anywhere at all. Perhaps there was more bodily contact between them than people who supposedly  _weren't_ fucking, but if people thought they were fucking, then there really wasn't a point in trying to explain  _what_  they were doing.

'Please tell me you're winning,' Alex said as she came up behind Piper, eating from a bag of chips.

She nearly jumped. 'Um, no, not really.' Piper twisted to see her.

'Pipes, what good is that college degree in English if you can't destroy people at Scrabble?' Alex asked seriously, lowering her glasses slightly to look at her over the frames.

Piper raised her arm and gently elbowed Alex in the stomach, laughing. 'Shut up. Share your chips with me.'

The bag of chips was lowered toward her without another word.

'I was - I was joking.' Piper laughed, waving a hand as she turned back, but Alex's smile was so earnest right then, Piper's breath caught in her throat. Alex didn't say anything, only lifting her brows the tiniest bit, till Piper gave in. 'Thanks,' she said, reaching into the foil bag. It was something she'd said a lot to Alex since the night in the bathrooms, but there were times that Piper figured that she might never be able to say it enough.

* * *

Piper expected the first thing her mother said would have been something along the lines of, 'You look dreadful!' or at least a scandalised, 'Good _heavens_ , Piper!' but there was only silence as she carefully walked between the tables of the visitation room toward her immaculately primped mother. Then there was a gasp as she came closer, manicured fingers coming up to cover her mouth.

The next thing Piper saw was a blur of an apple green Zegna suit, and then being held, more tightly than she could ever remember, in her mother's spindly arms. Her mother stroked her hair, then pulled away to cup Piper's face in her hands.

'I'm so glad you have a new lawyer.'

And then the moment was over, and Piper wanted to roll her eyes, but it was her mother's way of showing support, and she couldn't argue with that. 'Can we not talk about that right now?' Piper exhaled as they sat down.

'You don't look very well, darling, are they feeding you enough?'

'They're feeding me just fine.' First Polly, now her mother. A weight comment had been predictable, Piper figured. It was difficult to actively  _try_  to appear normal. Whatever normal was supposed to  _be_  in the circumstances. Her mother would have a million questions that Piper had no fucking idea how to answer if she seemed too... Out of herself.

She didn't have a clue about what herself was, these days, either.

'They said you had an altercation with another inmate!' Her mother's eyes were wide. The sheer thought of her daughter grappling fists with anything but a dress that didn't fit horrified her. 'What  _happened_ , Piper?'

 _Oh, you know mother, just a hillbilly who thought God told her to kill me. Nothing to worry about. Just ate decomposing food for a few weeks in an underground concrete box. No biggie._  'There was... A disagreement, and the other inmate...' Piper chose her words carefully, watching her hands as they nervously twisted around each other. 'Reacted with violence.'

Her mother's gasp could have sucked in an entire continent. 'How  _terrible_! Were you hurt? Are you all right?' One hand reached over and touched her arm.

Despite her melodrama, Piper saw the genuine concern, and she pushed a smile, absently covering the scar on her right hand with her left palm. 'I'm fine, mom. Really.' SHU had done more damage than Pennsatucky ever could.

'They should keep inmates like that in solitary!' her mother remarked. 'Those guards, these people - they let that inmate hurt you! They're not doing their jobs!'

That was true, but ratting on Healy wouldn't do her much good. She didn't have the proof. He was gone, and any wrongdoing of his would probably be covered up. 'She cornered me when everyone was busy,' Piper explained. 'Look - mom, it's over. I'm okay now.'

Sort of.

'Well, it's rather indecent of Larry to cut himself off from you when you've been through so much,' her mother added, pursing her lips in annoyance. 'He simply called your father and I to tell you that  _his_  father wouldn't be representing you anymore. Oh, good riddance!'

Piper tried not to laugh. Her parents hadn't ever been that fond of Larry, or his family, and it used to bother Piper to no end to hear her mother speak about them in whatever fashion she chose. Larry was the least of Piper's concerns nowadays. ' _Mother_ ,' she said, a failed admonishing.

'Piper - '

'Larry is the last thing I want to talk about when I'm under time restriction.' Piper put her elbows on the table, clamping her eyes shut and rubbing her temples.

More lip pursing that Piper didn't see, before a soft, 'I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.'


	8. Baby, It's All Right

Alex didn't mean to stare. Staring was something underlings did, something that told everybody you were interested, in awe; it was something that gave away your intentions.

Staring at Piper was something else altogether.

'I'm going to have two new holes in the side of my face soon,' Piper chided softly, turning the page, not looking up from her magazine. They sat on the floor, hidden by the shelves, Piper nestled against Alex's chest, sitting between her legs. The way that Piper had curled up slightly to one side meant that Alex could see the outline of her face.

'You're too thin,' was all Alex said, tucking blonde hair behind Piper's ear before pressing a kiss to her temple. She slid her right hand over Piper's, thumb brushing over the healed scars on her knuckles before turning the hand over, the pad of her thumb skating over the thin, pink scar on Piper's palm. It was all Piper would allow, this kind of touching. Alex pulled Piper closer, arms wrapping around her middle. Early morning fucks had been well and good back before Christmas, but Alex somehow had qualms about ripping Piper's clothes off in the bathrooms in the wee hours of the morning after she'd just finished tossing her cookies.

At other times during the day, Piper's behaviour didn't particularly raise eyebrows. Like an animal, she seemed docile enough, but it went without saying that all it could take was a split second between docile and dangerous. It was why the majority of the prison had come to respect her, if not fear her, but every time Alex surreptitiously slipped a hand beneath her shirt, Piper's quietly commanding energy all but dissipated, and she shrank away, suddenly nervous.

So much for fucking Piper stupid.

Piper's hand clenched almost mechanically at the touches, and she drew it back, folding it into her lap.

It was difficult to know how to say  _what_  she wanted to say, and Alex pressed her lips together, pushing her glasses up onto her head and looking down at Piper, who had busied herself with the library's year old copy of TIME magazine. 'Hey.'

Blue eyes scanning the pages, Piper gathered her mouth at one corner, frowning at the feature article of  _The DNA Dilemma: A Test That Could Change Your Life_. 'Don't people need to stop falling back on their genetics as an excuse for the way they are?' she asked, skim-reading the columns of text. Being a WASP granted her privileges, but, she'd learnt in the most difficult way possible, ultimately, only she was responsible for herself, and nothing and no one else.

'Uh... Yeah. Yeah, I guess.' If it had been any other time, Alex might have found the discussion quite interesting - but there were other things at hand. Alex gently squeezed Piper's arm, putting her chin on Piper's shoulder and pressing her cheek to hers. 'Is this okay?'

There was the tiniest shift, a minute little squirm, before Piper nodded, flicking through the magazine again. 'Yeah, of course.'

Alex wrapped her arms a little tighter, nuzzling Piper's temple with her lips. 'How about this?'

Piper hid a laugh. 'Alex, we're going to get caught.' She wriggled ever so slightly. 'And that tickles.'

Trailing down the curve of Piper's shoulder with her lips, Alex lightly pushed Piper's hair away, pulling the khaki shirt and white thermal beneath to press an open-mouthed kiss to Piper's collarbone.

'Hey, come on,' Piper protested. 'There are people everywhere.' Leaning forward, she shrugged her shoulders to push Alex away.

Alex didn't tighten her grip, but put a hand on Piper's waist. 'So come with me to the chapel.'

Looking over her shoulder, Piper laughed softly. 'Now?'

' _Right_  now.'

'How did we go from sitting in the library to you being horny as fuck?'

Only lifting her shoulders a little as her head tilted, Alex's lips curved. 'Come on, babe. Don't tell me all that masturbation in SHU was even vaguely comparable to fucking me in the flesh.'

'It's not that,' Piper hissed, her face growing hot. 'It's just - '

She was cut off by the lunchtime buzzer, and surprise passed over her face, then relief, as she stood, holding a hand out to Alex.

'It's just that I have really bad timing, huh?' Taking Piper's hand and hopping to her feet, one dark brow lifted, but Alex's smirk was only half there.

* * *

'What're you staring at over there, Nichols?' Alex drawled, threatening to throw a soggy, grey pea at the woman gawking at the food line over Piper's right shoulder. 'Morello tugging on those heart strings again?'

Nicky dropped her gaze, staring at the questionably coloured potatoes on her tray. 'I ain't starin' at anything, Vause.'

Piper, on the other hand, looked over to where Nicky had been looking. 'Leave her alone, Al.' She smiled at Nicky sympathetically before elbowing Alex, but Alex only sidled closer, shifting on the metal stool and laughing.

'Yeah, yeah, it's easy for you to laugh now, ain't it, Vause?' Flipping Alex off, Nicky scowled. Now that Alex was back to cuddle buddy status with Piper, she seemed to have forgotten what it was like to be cut off.

Alex only responded with a playfully self-satisfied smirk, rubbing Piper's back and sneaking a kiss on her khaki-covered shoulder.

Piper smacked her leg under the table.

'God, the two of you,' Nicky groaned, grinning despite herself.

'Seriously though, what's up with  _you_  two?' Alex prodded, spooning a mouthful of potatoes, leaning an elbow on the metal tabletop. It was hard to resist gloating when Nicky had been rubbing salt in the Piper wounds up until recently, but even harder to understand how Nicky - self-professed expert shutter-outter - had sucked herself into being hung up on Morello.

Opening her mouth to speak, Nicky clamped it back shut when Lorna came around and sat beside her.

'Whatcha ladies talkin' about?'

* * *

Piper's morning track routine hadn't changed yet, until one day, happily inhaling the stinging cold into her lungs, she noticed a familiar figure standing by the fence. When Piper didn't stop, running past with an unavoidably goofy grin, Piper almost felt that palpable half smile, half smirk from behind her.

And so the morning routine did shift, but only slightly. Even in the freezing winter, when Piper went out to run, a curiously bright-eyed Alex followed, showing up by Piper's second or third lap, simply leaning on the fence, arms folded as she watched.

'C'mon, fat-ass!' Piper hollered as she neared Alex's spot one morning. The only other occupant of the track - Watson - nearly doubled over laughing on the other side of the track.

'I'd rather starve,' Alex responded, adjusting her glasses with a smile.

Piper shook her head mockingly, waiting half a second after she'd passed Alex before calling out, 'Pussy!'

Alex's eyebrows had never flown so high.

Piper didn't bother to hide the smug smile as the sound of footfall on the frozen track came, and Alex appeared beside her, matching her stride for stride. The snow hadn't melted yet, but someone had obviously been assigned to shovel the snow for the track. Piper wouldn't have minded the duty, but she supposed the idea of her with a giant metal shovel didn't appeal to the COs.

It was when they were making their third round together when Alex announced, shaking her head and waving a hand dismissively, 'Okay - okay, nope - that's my quota filled.' She staggered jokingly, speaking in between pants. 'I'll just - wait - there...'

'Weakling,' Piper ragged, picking up her pace for the final couple of rounds, earning herself a rough pat on the rear as Alex retreated back to the fence. From her own experience, Alex's stamina had been nothing less than spectacular. It was odd how little she could do on the track. Perhaps horizontal jogging was the only kind she was good at.

Piper was perfectly okay with that.

They headed to the showers afterwards, their fingers brushing and occasionally tangling as they went to grab towels and their toiletries, until they disappeared into the still-empty bathrooms, away from the eyes of the COs.

Alex gently pulled Piper along, putting her own things on the bench in front of the shower stalls before hauling her sweatshirt over her head. It had been a while since she'd had Piper naked, let alone  _been_  naked with Piper, and Alex tried not to rush - how could she help herself, when she'd been deprived of Piper for this long? - as she reached out to help Piper undress, but Piper abruptly caught her hands, holding them at bay. Piper stood frozen, and as Alex tried to look at her face, kept her gaze lowered.

'Piper, I'm not gonna maul you.' Alex spoke softly, just above a whisper, but it was hard to mask the desire lacing through her words. She might've been amused, but she couldn't find it in her to laugh.

Piper didn't look up, but her grip didn't slacken, either. If the bathroom hadn't been empty, Alex wouldn't have heard Piper's quiet, 'I know.' When Alex moved closer, Piper's fingers slipped, then wordlessly tightened her fingers around her wrists. Blonde hair fell into her eyes as she bore her gaze into the floor.

'Piper.' Running her tongue over her suddenly dry lips, Alex inwardly grimaced at Piper's deceptively vice-like grip. 'Baby, I'm not gonna hurt you.' She tried to wriggle her wrists, move them even slightly, but winced when Piper's fingers dug in even harder. Something inside Alex panicked, then began to calculate - to think. 'Pipes...' When Piper shook her head, Alex didn't know whether it was because she refused to listen, or because she didn't know what she wanted to say. Alex leaned closer - but her heart broke when she heard the whimper escape Piper's lips. It took her a moment to realise that Piper was shaking, and Alex twisted her hands reflexively.

It was only when Alex couldn't stifle a sharp gasp of pain that Piper's fingers relaxed, dropping Alex's wrists like she'd been burned. 'I-I'm sorry - I'm sorry - I - I just - '

Ignoring the pain in her wrists, Alex brought her hands to Piper's face, lifting her chin. 'Hey,' she said softly, her voice as tender as she could muster. She searched Piper's face, and her brows furrowed. Piper's lips were trembling, and Alex wasn't sure she could see more terror or fear in her eyes. What had SHU done to her? 'You're okay.' Her thumbs smoothed over Piper's cheeks. 'You're safe.'

_I won't let anything happen to you._


	9. Let Us Shit Diamonds

'Hey um,' Polly said over the phone, 'your mom says that your new lawyer is coming to visitation next Friday, but I'll be coming on Saturday.'

Piper leaned back on the wall by the phone, absently looking over her nails. To think, there'd been a time when she'd have let out a whine and pout for so much as a chip in the polish. 'Sounds fine.' She would have probably had her nails longer too, just a little bit because they looked prettier, she thought, and even back then, she knew better than anybody that Alex loved the occasional  _clawing_  down her back.

'Pipes, you there?'

'Hm?' The receiver was almost slipping from her fingers, and Piper straightened, combing her hair back behind her ears. 'Yeah - yeah, I'm still here.'

'...'

She could almost hear the way Polly's mouth twisted, and Piper grinned. 'Sorry, I was thinking about... Something.'

'Whatever.' Polly cleared her throat. 'So, uh... How's Supercunt?'

Supercunt was wonderful, Piper wanted to say. Really. For weeks, Supercunt had been patient and sweet and just a little dirty for good measure. Only days ago, Supercunt had undressed her, kissing every inch of skin she laid bare, more gentle underneath the pathetic spray of water in the showers than Piper had ever remembered. Even when she'd frozen, when she'd shivered at the touch, felt fear and nausea come up like she was going to collapse, Supercunt had whispered to her and soothed her, had let her take her time. Supercunt had washed and smoothed her hands over every part of her, and by the time she was done, despite every unnatural instinct that SHU had formed, Piper had clung to her like she was drought and Alex was rain.

'She's good.'

* * *

Nicky swore as she passed another radio station filled with rave music; wasn't there a single broadcast that played something other than electro bullshit? Sitting on her bunk, thumb turning the dial on the side of her radio, she reached into the packet of pretzels lying in front of her, but her fingers only met the coarse fabric of her blanket. Nicky ripped out her earphones.

'What the fu -'

'Easy, Nichols,' an unmistakeably husky voice came, 'do as I say and no harm will come to your pretzels.'

'Fuck you, Vause.' Nicky grinned, snatching back the packet from Alex, who stood over her at the side of her bunk. 'What brings you to my humble cube, away from the pussy of Piper Chapman?'

Alex rolled her eyes as she sat down, leaning against the half-wall of Nicky's cube and helping herself to a pretzel. 'She's on the phone to her best friend who hates me.'

'What, trouble in paradise already? Jesus Christ, Vause, the hell did either of you do this time?'

'We haven't  _done_  anything,' Alex said pointedly, 'which is exactly the problem.'

'Not following,' Nicky grunted, munching on a handful of pretzels, twisting around to put her radio on her locker. 'The other day, Morello said she wanted to take a dump, but you and Chapman were all over each other in the showers and she didn't wanna spoil the mood, so she held her shit.' She grinned at Alex. 'Said she nearly made a fuckin' diamond waitin' for you two to finish.'

'The day I shit diamonds is the day I pray for,' Alex declared.

'What a beautiful day that'd be,' Nicky sighed longingly, looking into the foil packet. 'But I still don't get your problem, Vause. If you and Chapman are makin' sweet, sweet music in the showers, what the hell are you talkin' about?'

Alex shifted her glasses slightly, self-consciously twisting her fingers together in her lap. 'It isn't like that.'

'Not from what I hear, Vausegasm,' Nicky sang almost gleefully.

'Look,' Alex said, lowering her voice, 'What you heard - what Lorna saw in the showers... All I did was hold her.' Touch her, calm her. 'She's fine with little things.' Putting her arm around Piper, putting a hand on the small of Piper's back, or on her knee - those things were fine. 'But the second I get under the khakis, she just - she just shrinks away.' Alex let out a sigh, one long enough to blow through a desert. 'I've barely touched her, Nicky.'

Nicky's face was unreadable, before she cocked her head and shrugged. 'I know you mean well, Vause, and you're not just horny and wanna get in her pants, but I gotta tell ya, SHU can fuck you up. I mean, really  _fuck_  you up.' When Alex said nothing, only staring, Nicky blew a low breath between her lips, scratching her head, and leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. 'The SHU isn't just some place they lock you away. Things can happen down there, and nobody except you even needs to be in there for it to happen.'

Pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, Alex shrugged off the uneasy shiver that slid down her spine. 'What do you mean?'

'It's not just solitary confinement.' Nicky waved her hand, and it seemed to wave away anything that Alex had possibly conceived about what SHU was like until now. 'Yeah, the food ain't worth givin' to dogs, and it's fuckin' filthy down there, but y'know, they keep the lights on? All day, and all night. You don't know what time it is, or whether the sun's up or down. It's a constant state, like you're in a fuckin' time warp re-doin' the same day, and you don't know when it's ever gonna stop. You're stuck in a space the size of a tiny-ass pig-pen with nobody but the screamin' from the walls - and yourself. Nothin' to keep you warm but what you remember, and listen, the most I've spent down there is three and a half weeks. Or at least that's what Mommy tells me, 'cause I lost count.' Shaking her head, Nicky pressed her lips together. 'Chapman was in there for seven weeks, Alex. Nearly eight, really. At my third week, I wasn't even sure I was rememberin' things right no more.'

Alex swallowed the lump in her throat, and ignored the feeling of her stomach churning. 'What are you trying to say?'

'I don't blame Chapman for comin' outta that place with a couple of screws loose,' Nicky told her, shrugging. 'SHU can do that to ya. I mean, she's doin' pretty okay, I guess, but you gotta give her some time. She probably craved contact down there, but you're only gonna come out more fucked up if you focus on shit like that, so I'm guessing she blocked it out. It's how you deal in the box. You block stuff out. You block the screamin' out, you block the pain out - block everything out till it's just the noise in your own head and you can't tell the difference between what's coming from the outside and what your brain is makin' up for you.' Nicky patted Alex's shoulder. 'With Piper, I think that even if she wanted to fuck you, it's just weird for her brain to process all the sudden contact, y'know? She's so used to having no contact with anyone, so in little bits it's okay, she's handling it, but if you bombard her, you just trigger defence mechanisms that tell her something's off because she's just... Not used to it anymore. It's like... Reverse brain-washing. Instead of makin' you learn new stuff, SHU makes you unlearn how to function up on the surface. It makes you think different.'

'Jesus.' Rubbing her temples with one hand, Alex shut her eyes, shaking her head. 'What the fuck am I supposed to do? How the fuck do I fix what SHU messed up?'

'You don't, Vause.' Nicky had that look; the one that made Alex feel like she was an idiot. 'You support her, and you pull out every ounce of patience and shit that Amazonian body of yours can come up with. Nobody can fix what SHU breaks except the person that's been broken. All we can do is make sure she doesn't fall into any potholes on the way.'

Alex nodded. What else could she do? She wanted Piper to get better, to make her feel like she didn't have to look over her shoulder all the time. Alex wanted her to know that she wasn't going to evaporate into a puff of smoke, because despite the lack of contact, whenever they were alone and Piper touched her, it was as though she thought she'd disappear somehow. It was funny, because Alex had never done any of the leaving, but maybe that was the reason Piper was so afraid; Piper had left without looking back more than once, and she was terrified that Alex would finally do the same. And somehow, because of whatever had gone through her head in SHU, Piper couldn't seem to help shirking away when it came to bare touches.

It was all so twisted and ironic, all so fucked up, and even though Alex sometimes felt like she was drowning in it, she'd only sink if she didn't fight, because she couldn't watch Piper fall apart without feeling like something inside her was dying. To think she'd once been someone who'd directed an entire smuggling ring, been responsible for transporting obscene amounts of illicit substances across borders, and had millions of dollars and several dangerous people at her disposal.

With Piper, though, Alex had always been helpless.

Alex flexed her fingers, then pushed her glasses up again. 'So, uh, what's the deal with you and Morello?'

'There ain't a deal with me and Morello, you giant pimp.' Busying her mouth with pretzels, Nicky dropped her gaze to the mattress.

She was sure Nicky hadn't meant it as a compliment, but Alex felt herself inflate anyway. She'd been so fucking brilliant at her job. Sussing out potential mules, then getting them to do anything she wanted... God, there wasn't a single person on earth who did it better than she did. 'And an amazing pimp I was, Nichols.' Alex plucked the packet of pretzels from Nicky's hands. It wasn't as if she was running an international prostitution ring. 'Cut the bullshit already. No shame in admitting you've finally found someone you can't shut out.'

Although she was sure most of the mules would have done it if she'd asked nicely enough.

'What, like you?' Nicky lunged for the pretzels - but Alex was deceptively quick, leaning away and holding the packet up high. She rolled her eyes, sitting back down as Alex laughed. 'Look, I ain't made for your romantic shit, Vause. You play the big bad kid on the playground that nobody messes with, but Piper gets underneath that and then you're the softest shit I've ever seen in my fuckin' life.' Nicky shrugged. 'I don't work like that.'

'Clearly,' Alex snorted around a mouthful of pretzel.

'Ahh, shut up and gimme my pretzels, you disgusting Neanderthal.' Nicky shot out an arm, but Alex swiped her hand away. 'Woman, you can make fun of me for bein' hung up on Morello, or you can steal my food - but ya can't do both, that shit ain't fair.'

'All is fair in love and war, Nichols. Morello is love,' Alex chuckled, before shaking the packet. 'And the pretzels are war.' She tossed the pretzels back into Nicky's lap. 'I feel like I should give you advice, but Morello and Piper are two entirely different people. And I know Piper better than anybody.'

'And only one of them  _actually_  had a fiancé waitin' for 'em on the outside.'

'That is true.'

'What happened to Barry, anyway?'

Alex grinned. 'Larry?'

'Yeah, that's what I said. Her fiancé, Harry.'


	10. Remind Me of My Rights

_Fourteen more months._

_Self-defence._

They'd nearly doubled her original sentence with the extra time, but Piper wasn't complaining. An extra fourteen months at base camp in Litchfield was better than any shorter length of time in maximum security, or SHU. Her new lawyer had explained that there had been a number of people who would prefer to keep the incident quiet, and so had slapped her a self-defence sticker without further complaints, even though Tiffany Doggett's face was still unrecognisable.

She had, however, gotten a new set of teeth.

'Hey, you,' Alex said, smiling and leaning on the windows by the visitation room as Piper pulled her khaki shirt back on. She reached out a hand, brushing the tips of her fingers over the back of Piper's hand briefly in hello.

'Hey,' Piper breathed, unease fading to return the smile. Strip-searches had become almost unbearable since coming back from SHU; she always squeezed her eyes shut, but she could never stop the way her body shook. She wanted to pretend she was elsewhere. Block out the hands that skimmed over her, block the cold air on her skin, block it  _all_  out, before she let the bile rising in her throat come rushing out. Fischer had been on strip-search duty lately, and it should have given her comfort that the CO often took pity on her, doing the search quicker - overlooking parts of procedure - to let her go before Piper simply passed out from the anxiety. Piper looked through the window for the redhead who usually came for Alex. 'Don't you usually have someone at visitation?'

Alex shrugged. 'Usually,' she chuckled.

Piper formed a slight frown at the answer, but smiled when Alex did. 'What?'

'You want to ask me about her, don't you?' Alex would never deny that she knew Piper better than Piper knew herself; Alex was really quite proud of the fact, and she didn't know why, but she was, and she'd be damned if she couldn't have her fun with it.

'Yes. And no.' Piper rubbed the side of her neck, shrugging, watching her boot scuff the floor. 'It's not my business.' What had happened between when she'd left Alex in Paris to the day she'd stepped into Litchfield might have partially been her fault, but she didn't have the right to demand the information. Not after what she'd done, then as well as now.

Considering Piper thoughtfully, Alex lifted her glasses, nudging Piper's chin up lightly with a knuckle to look at her, saying softly, 'You're allowed to ask, Pipes.'

Alex liked to think that she was the master of herself; she, and only she, was the ruler of her fate. She could let herself sink, or she could swim for all she was worth to make her life one she wanted to live - but even though Alex alone made her decisions, Piper still held sway in them. In reality, there had been a trace of Piper in every choice Alex had made since the day they'd met. In reality, even though it was Alex's life, Alex still belonged to Piper. Piper owned everything she had.

'Even if I asked,' Piper said, the smile reaching her eyes and making Alex want to kiss that stupid mouth, 'would you tell me the answer?'

'I'd tell you what you wanted to know.'

'What if I wanted to know everything?'

'About?'

'What happened to you when I left.'

'I'd still tell you.'

'You would?'

Alex's smirk emerged then, and she folded her arms over her chest. 'Why are you so surprised?'

'Because I don't have a right to ask,' Piper said, her head shaking slightly, the smile gone, replaced with a neutral, blank face. She didn't have a right to anything as far as Alex was concerned. She was just happy that Alex hadn't shut her out entirely, and still feared the day that Alex would wake up from her delusion that Piper was whole and that there was a remote chance of happiness with her.

'You're the only one with any right to ask, Piper.' Alex pursed her lips; she hated it when Piper did this, almost as much as she hated exercise. She wound an arm around Piper's shoulders, steering her toward the common room. 'Come on, kid, we need to work on those Scrabble skills of yours.' She pressed a kiss to Piper's temple. 'You can ask me anything you want then.'

* * *

'How's your stomach feeling?' Red asked one evening, standing by the entry to the cube, still in her kitchen uniform.

Piper automatically put a hand on her abdomen, glancing down at it before smiling at Red. 'It's a lot better. Thanks, Red.' She'd been eating food that was easy on her stomach for the past couple of weeks or so, but Piper did wonder how Alex knew what she should have eaten and what she needed to avoid. And how much the very particular orders cost her. Piper's pre-dawn bathroom excursions had whittled down before she stopped needing to go altogether. She did still wake up around that time, some nights, purely out of habit, rather than a need to puke. Curiously enough, there was often a warmth that she woke up to, though when Piper opened her eyes, she peered into the darkened space around her to find nothing.

'You thank Vause, not me,' Red told her, lowering her glasses to look at Piper over the rim of the frames. 'That girl watches you like a hawk.'

She couldn't help the tender feeling that spread through her chest at that, and Piper only let a chuckle bubble up. 'Old habit of hers, I guess.'

It was impossible to forget.

Back then, Alex's eyes had followed her with a decidedly Vause-ian mix of desire, and desire  _to protect_. Piper liked to think she was a free spirit, that she did as she pleased, but it had taken years, prison, and a stint in a cement box, to realise that even though there had been times when Alex being stronger, grounded - dominant, in some ways - had been stifling, it had been pretty necessary. More than necessary; Piper had  _thrived_  off it, off the invisible safety net that Alex's presence granted, and Alex had thrived off being  _able_  to protect.

There had been times when Alex's safety net for her came at Alex's own expense, but Piper hoped that she was a little less reckless in her own decisions nowadays, for Alex's sake. She wasn't stupid; Alex liked taking care of her - at least when Piper wasn't being an asshole - and despite whatever front Piper tried to pull, Piper liked being taken care  _of_. It wasn't as if Alex babied her, or as if Piper went around with no regard for consequence. She tried not to, nowadays.

They gave and they took, and sometimes they'd both been selfish, but they weren't fucking saints.

'Old habits die hard.' Red chuckled, wiping her hands on her apron. 'So, how old?'

Piper shrugged, smiling with a sigh. 'Old enough.'

Then again, Piper hoped that some habits, no matter how old, wouldn't ever die.

* * *

When Polly called to confirm visitation, Piper joked that she'd bring Supercunt to say hi too.

Polly had nearly hung up.

'Visitation today,' Nicky said flatly at breakfast, munching on a pale waffle. 'My record is gettin'  _pretty_  impressive.'

'How long has it been again?' Piper asked, sitting down at the table, beside Alex, who sat opposite Nicky. Yoga Jones and Poussey sat on Alex' other side.

'Oooh.' Nicky pressed her lips together, thinking. 'Close to seven months now.'

'Jesus, Nichols.' Alex tore her way into an orange, putting a segment between her lips. 'I know your mom's a cunt and all, but  _you're_  not a total shithead. There's gotta be somebody who wants to visit.'

'I'm just  _too_  classy for 'em, that's all,' Nicky agreed, lifting her chin and straightening on the stool, waving her hand around like she was in a parade.

'Oh,' Alex's eyes went wide, nodding as she pretended to agree with full devotion, 'yes, yes, I see.'

'Somebody coming to see you today, Chapman?' Jones asked from further down the table.

Alex let out a scoff, grinning at Piper. 'She's  _always_  got someone at visitation, don't you, babe?'

'It's just Polly!' Piper said defensively.

'Ahh, yes, good ol' Holly. She still have those terrible bangs?'

Piper rolled her eyes. 'No, she's married and gave birth to my godchild like two weeks after I got in here.'

'You like kids, Piper?' Nicky sorted her scrambled eggs into chewy pieces and outright leather.

'Well... When they're not being horrible,' Piper confessed, tilting her head from side to side, pressing her lips together. She did like children, she just didn't understand how some parents let their own children get so out of control that they threw tantrums just because they didn't get lollipops for breakfast. She hadn't been an exact angel growing up, but Piper had never thrown herself on the floor of Whole Foods and screamed herself hoarse, either.

'Do you want kids?' Alex asked, casually looking into her cup of orange juice.

Piper's brows quirked upward. 'Do  _you_?'

Nicky suddenly lost interest in her eggs, staring at the pair sitting in front of her with unending interest.

Alex shrugged. 'Haven't thought about it much, I guess.'

'Yeah, Vause,' Nicky snickered, 'I bet you haven't.'

Alex attempted a kick beneath the table, but Nicky saw it coming, and had already moved her leg.

Alex stamped on her other foot instead.

* * *

After breakfast, most of them had milled around the common room, till those with visitation slowly filed out. Alex's mystery visitor - whose name was Yvonne, and was the last mule she'd been sleeping with till she'd gotten arrested, Piper had found out - had come again. She waved to Alex from inside the visitation room as she sat in the usual corner, and Alex lifted a hand in response, mustering a smile.

'Must've been serious, for her to come visit you all the time,' Piper said, though she chuckled at Alex's weak attempt at a hello. 'You don't seem excited to see her.'

'It was hardly a meaningful, loving relationship, if that's what you mean. And I appreciate the thought of coming to this shithole to see me,' Alex drawled as they lined up, 'but you could say I appreciated her company more when she wasn't actually doing any talking. I honestly preferred all the noise she made when I went down on her. The screaming was better.'

'You are disgusting.'

'Nicky says so too,' Alex replied with a wink.

'And an asshole!' Piper pushed Alex's shoulder, but her outburst garnered her a glare from Bell, who stood at the doorway to the visitation room.

Alex held in a laugh, before looking through the window. 'Speaking of assholes...'

Piper rolled her eyes. 'Okay, I know you and Polly weren't exactly going to prayer group together when you and I were dating, but I refuse to let you and her call each other names when we get out.' Supercunt Vause and Asshole 'Holly' weren't introductions Piper looked forward to making.

'Uh, yeah, we'll cross that bridge when we get to that, Pipes, but - '

'If you two aren't gonna go in,' Bell interrupted, 'then don't block the door!'

Piper held up her hands and hurried in before Alex could continue. Alex's mule Yvonne was at a table by the wall, but Piper's visitor, sitting further inside the visitation room, hands clasped and twiddling their thumbs, wasn't Polly.

Or even her mother.

It was Larry.


	11. It's Not Me, It's You, Me, and Everything Else

Alex stood by Yvonne's table, her jaw suddenly tightening as Piper slowly stepped closer towards her former fiancé.

'Baby, what's wrong?' Yvonne took Alex's wrist, frowning. 'What's the matter?'

Moving to sit in her chair, pulling her wrist away, Alex shook her head, her eyes never leaving Piper's thin figure.

'Nothing. It's nothing.'

* * *

'What are you doing here?' Piper's voice was low but clear, and her stomach had turned to lead, but Piper could feel a sick roiling nonetheless. She hadn't even sat down yet. Didn't really want to. Would she get a shot for just cutting and running the hell out of the visitation room?

She was going to  _kill_  Polly.

'I - we need to talk,' Larry said, leaning back in his seat, shrugging like he'd forgotten his keys, or lost a shirt.

'No,' Piper almost laughed, shaking her head, 'no, I think we've talked enough.' And yet, her feet refused to move, because if she had her way, she'd be running back to the Suburbs right about now. She managed to take a step backward before Larry's hand locked around her wrist, and all of Piper's alarms went off, panic flooding through her veins, dread filling her like icy water as she yanked her arm away. 'Let go of me!'

She almost pulled Larry clean out of his seat across the table, and he stumbled, COs standing from their chairs, before he raised a hand. 'It's fine - it's fine.' He stood, resting his palms on the table. 'Piper, chill the fuck out, you're going to get yourself in trouble.'

'And why would that matter to you?'

'I just want to talk to you.' Larry let out an aggravated sigh, looking over Piper's face. 'God, we were engaged - I wanted to  _marry_  you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. We can't be strangers after that.'

After looking around at the COs, who hovered warily, Piper's fists clenched till her knuckles were white - but she gave in, sitting down, and Larry followed suit. She settled back against her chair, her eyes guarded, hands clasped over her middle.

'You're just gonna sit there and not say anything?' Larry asked eventually, clearly incredulous. 'After everything that's happened - after everything you did?'

'If you came to lecture me on my sins, Father Larry, I've got things I'd rather be doing.'

'Like what, fucking Alex in a chapel?' Larry spat.

'Among other places,' Piper tossed back, shrugging. They weren't fucking  _anywhere_ , but he didn't need to know that. 'Chapels, laundries, kitchen pantries. Gotta get creative when you're in here.'

'What the hell is that matter with you?' Larry hissed. 'What the fuck happened to you, Piper?'

'A whole lot is the matter with me, actually,' Piper said, nodding and tilting her head, as though she'd only just realised. 'A whole lot was wrong with me before I came in here, Larry, and if I'm being really honest, there's a whole lot wrong with you too.'

'You fucking cheated - '

'Yeah, I know,' Piper said listlessly. 'I had an affair with my lesbian ex-girlfriend who ratted me out to the feds. I'm an asshole.' She leaned forward on the table. 'But if I remember right, you used my  _life_  as reading material for every fucking yuppie in New York, and you didn't even care that I'd been in solitary for so long, so you'll understand if I think you need to get your head out of your goddamn ass.'

Larry sat back in his chair, exhaling a long breath, letting the chatter of the visitation room fill the space between them for a minute. Slowly, he looked down at his lap, but nodded. 'We made mistakes, Piper. We both made stupid mistakes.'

'Is that what you came here to tell me?' Piper sounded bored.

'No!' The family at the next table jumped, so Larry lowered his voice. 'No, no, it's not.' He reached out to put a hand over Piper's, but she quickly pulled them into her lap. 'I just needed some time, Pipes. And space.'

'I'm in a fucking federal prison,' Piper informed him coolly. 'You got all the space you could have asked for, and then some.' He must have known that she'd gotten sent to SHU. Even Alex had been incapable of ignoring her after that, even though Piper had virtually plucked her heart out with rusty tweezers and thrown it into a monster truck derby. Granted, Alex had seen her in the flesh, could contact her more freely, but Larry had wanted to  _marry_  her. Larry had promised her a life together, then tossed her aside for his own convenience because it had been too hard to even talk to her, taking advantage of the fact that she was locked away in a federal facility.

She'd kept secrets from him, but he had wanted to have a life with her. How had it been so easy for him to pretend like she didn't exist after news of her in the SHU had come? Maybe being strangers after whatever they'd been through was easier than he made it out to be.

'I forgive you,' Larry told her. 'For everything.' He made motions with his hands that Piper assumed meant to symbolise "everything", but it was funny because there was only one person she'd ever felt held everything that mattered in their hands. That other person's fingers were actually longer, the digits slimmer, more supple.

'You,' Piper repeated, every word like a loaded gun, 'forgive  _me_?' She wanted to laugh, to slap her knee and holler out loud. 'You  _forgive_  me, do you?'

'Yeah,' Larry said angrily, 'yeah, I do. Even though you've pulled so much shit in the past few months - '

'I was locked in a cement box for two of those months.' Piper's voice was suddenly soft. 'And you didn't even care.'

'Piper, I was mad at you. Would you have called me if I'd done what you did - '

'I rotted underground for weeks, Larry,' Piper reminded him wearily. 'One call.  _One_  phone call to ask if I was all right. Would that have been so hard, so  _painful_  for you?' She couldn't say she wouldn't have done the same as Larry if the situations were reversed - but the fact was that it  _wasn't_. 'You keep saying I was going to be your wife, but even with what I did, why was it so easy for you to live like I'd never mattered to you?'

Larry seemed to chew on his tongue, his jaw working before he said, 'It's not that I didn't think about you. I thought about you a lot, Piper. I couldn't  _stop_  thinking about you.' He pulled in a breath, lowering his head and running his hands over the back of his neck. 'That's why I'm here, Pipes. I love you - ' Larry held up a hand to stop her interrupting, '- and no matter what we've done, no matter what mistakes we made, no matter how  _badly_  you or I fucked up, if we were really going to get married, we'd work through this together. I mean, how else would we stick together for the rest of our lives?'

He smiled a little then, his gaze softening, and for a second, Piper saw the man she remembered all those months ago, but she didn't have anything to say. What  _could_  she say? He was right. If they'd really intended on spending the rest of their lives together, they would at least attempt to work through whatever they'd come up against. If they really loved each other, even if it was just at one point, and if they really knew each other, then there wasn't any reason for them to not try.

When Piper finally spoke, she managed to lift the corner of her lips, trying to smile, but not quite getting there. 'But you don't really know me, Larry.' He shook his head dismissively, like she was talking gibberish, but Piper went on. 'Fuck, Larry,  _I_  barely even know me.' She sucked in a breath, squeezing her eyes shut, speaking anyway. 'How could I even think of giving myself to somebody, of marrying somebody, when I just compartmentalize myself - when I just shut parts of myself away when I'm with certain people in certain places - and even if I try to forget those parts of me, they're still  _me_ , Larry.'

'Then let me learn,' Larry said softly. 'Let me see the things about you that you love, that you hate - I thought I knew you, but if I don't, then give me the chance to.'

Piper's smile was sad, and she shrugged like she was a child who'd accidentally spilled the milk. 'I did, Larry.' She even laughed, but it was hollow, her throat tightening. 'I found parts of myself that I'd forgotten even existed, and you - you were horrified. I was too.' Piper pressed her lips together. 'But I have to live with who I am, and I can't mould back into something that fits with... What we'd planned for us.' Larry didn't deserve half of a person - and she didn't deserve to be cherry-picked. 'And I'm still learning. I'm still learning about me, and...' Larry might have a person who could learn about someone, love them for all they were - but that someone wasn't her. 'I don't think I can do that with you.'

Larry's brows knitted together. 'So it's all about  _you_ , is it?'

'No, Larry,' Piper said, shaking her head and rubbing her temples agitatedly, 'I'm saying you don't deserve a half-baked idea of a person. I'm not the same person who came in here last year, and I'm never going to  _be_  that person again.' She was saying goodbye to whatever dreams she'd had of a house on a hill, kids in private school, charity dinners and any domestic bliss she'd ever pictured with Larry.

But the longer she took to say goodbye, the longer it would take for the wounds to heal. The 'nice, blonde lady' that she'd said she'd turned into, that tried so desperately to be, didn't exist. He was in love with a  _Piper_  that didn't exist. She'd hurt him more if she hung on.

'I'm not saying I'm going to be someone who you're going to hate when I get out, Larry. I mean, I'm probably not a great person, and I don't think I ever really was, but...' Piper shrugged again. 'I'm just saying that I'm not, and I'm never going to be, the Piper you fell in love with.'

How could she be, when the Piper that had been with Larry had only been mere pieces of herself?


	12. Asshulls

Alex watched Piper leave the visitation room, but by the time she'd said a hurried goodbye to Yvonne and followed her, Piper had disappeared.

'She looked like she was heading to the dorms, but everything's down that corridor, so I could just be shitting you.' Nicky was standing by the visitation room windows, and turned to face Alex, sighing. 'I'm seriously startin' to think she grew a pair of balls down in SHU. Barry looks crushed, y'know.' She jerked a thumb toward Piper's ex-fiance through the window, who was still sitting at his table like someone had slapped him with a frying pan.

'I saw.' Alex smiled, squeezing Nicky's shoulder as she passed. 'Thanks, Nicky.'

'Anything for the happy couple.'

Alex whipped around and stuck her finger up with a smile. 'Go fuck Morello, Nichols, you're starting to get sappy.'

* * *

Checking the dining hall and the common room - the former practically empty except for the inmates who worked the kitchen, and the latter void of any blonde WASP - on the way to the Suburbs, Alex walked straight to Piper's cube.

Empty.

She checked the bathrooms - all of them - but Piper wasn't there, either. Alex hadn't managed to hear the whole conversation in the visitation room, partly because in-between Yvonne's complaints about 'that noisy couple over there', Yvonne was busy telling her about some stupid bartender who kept carding her, and partly because the noise in the visitation room and the distance from her table to Piper's had meant that she'd only snatched bits and pieces of what they were saying.

Larry hadn't liked it, whatever it was, and that made Alex smile. Just a little.

Alex had been ready like a shot when Larry had grabbed Piper, but she'd managed to stay sitting - only because she'd gripped the armrests of her chair till her fingers were too sore for her to feel them anymore.

'Lookin' for somebody?' It was Watson who came up to her as Alex walked towards the library; perhaps Piper had taken refuge between the stacks.

'Not hard to tell, is it?' Alex smiled. God, Piper had her running around like a fucking puppy - and what worried her was that she didn't have a single problem with it.

'You ain't gonna find her in a book,' Watson said, cocking her head to the glass doors of the library before heading through them. 'Your girl's a runner.'

Alex let it sink in for a moment, then chuckled. Piper was a runner. She ran from her problems - or any problems -, as fast and as far away as she could. Alex had seen her do it, more than once.

This wasn't the same Piper, though.

* * *

Of course, there had to biting cold wind the day she needed to run. Piper inwardly scoffed at her luck. Running helped quiet the noise that her head constantly made. Running helped process.

Piper's feet pounded over the frozen ground, never mind the pacing, never mind any laps. She needed the clarity that just  _running_  gave. The sure feel of her feet against the earth, the deep gulps of breath that froze her lungs from the inside out, moving, constantly moving, and it didn't matter that she wasn't going anywhere, just working in circles as her brain sorted and filtered in the brief moment of clarity - because when it was like this, the world didn't exist. There wasn't anything, except air and light and her thoughts, and she could finally see them and understand them like a language that she suddenly understood.

And nothing in the world could touch her, just for a little while.

There was something, though, that she could make out in the blur of the outside, and then there was a sound, a new sound that meshed into the whip of the wind - her name? - before someone simply appeared in her bubble like they'd always been there, their tread matching her own, but Piper kept running because their presence didn't interrupt her train of thought, and the person seemed to meld into it like they belonged there, but didn't quite fade into the background, either.

And the person just kept running, moving with her, even though Piper could hear their breath coming harder, faster, and she wondered why they didn't just stop if it was so difficult, and she didn't know how many times she'd gone around in circles, but then her own lungs started to seize in that way she knew meant she needed to stop soon, and the muscles in her legs began to twinge, and Piper slowed to a stop at the far end of the track, and the person bent over, hands on their knees, gasping for air like their lives depended on it.

'Are you -' - pant - ' _fucking_  -' - pant - ' _bionic_?' Alex panted raggedly, groaning at the tightness of her chest, wheezing into the cold air.

'Black Cindy called me lesbionic once.'

* * *

They were warm from the run, and sat outside at the table where the Hispanic ladies often played dominoes, surrounded by snow, hands in their jacket pockets - or in Piper's case, one in her own, the other in Alex's.

'How's Yvonne?'

Alex chuckled, humming a little. 'Ungrateful and selfish asshole that I am, I honestly wouldn't mind if she stopped coming to see me.'

'You're selfish only sometimes,' Piper laughed, scooting closer to have her shoulder pressed against Alex's. Little steps of contact, little bits of affection, were strangely what she craved, rather than being touched everywhere, overwhelmed with sensation, blanketed with feeling. The tiny sparks, the small nuances of feeling made her feel more alive than a barrage of the senses. 'Which I think is allowed.'

A smile was Alex's only reply, but she softly raked the tips of her fingers over Piper's palm. 'You doing okay from visitation?'

'You heard that, did you?' Piper let a chuckle die in her throat, a wry smile pulling her lips upward as her eyes fell to the wooden surface of the table.

'I think a lot of people heard it, but I saw, mostly.' Alex gently squeezed Piper's hand in her own. 'Didn't hear much.' When Piper said nothing, she asked, 'Do you want to talk about it?'

'Honestly?' Looking up and blowing a breath that fogged into the air, Piper shook her head at her own indecisiveness. 'I want to - but I don't know what to say about it.' Larry was a good person as a whole, someone who could have given her so much, and it wasn't fair that even though he could, it might not have ever been enough. It wasn't his fault that they'd both believed they could have been happy together, and it hadn't been hers, either. He'd just gotten a shitty deal, and sure, he'd been a dick on occasion, but all he'd wanted was a future with a Piper that wasn't real.

She felt so selfish that he'd had to get hurt in all of it, but how much worse would the damage have been if they'd gotten further down the road before Piper eventually imploded on herself?

'What'd he want?'

'To talk.'

'About you and him?'

'There isn't a me and him,' Piper said, piercing Alex with a soft but sure look that somehow settled the not unfamiliar demons that had stirred in the pit of Alex's stomach, 'but yeah. Something about us making mistakes but making it work, and I just - I didn't know how to say that the person he fell in love isn't real. I mean, I didn't lie to him, and I wasn't fake, but I just shuffled the rest of me behind that one part that he liked, and it felt okay back then, you know? There was his life, and my life, and I wanted so badly to fit into his, and the funny thing is, I don't even remember why.' She was reckless and impulsive, logical and thoughtful, craving noise and energy and silence and peace all at once. She wanted adventure, but she wanted the warmth to come home to - and maybe she was being greedy, but a house didn't make a home, and security didn't mean being happy.

And that was all anyone wanted, really, wasn't it?

Alex wanted to ask which part of Piper she'd fallen in love with, but she asked instead, 'So what happened?'

'I told him I wasn't the same person that came to prison, and I wouldn't be when I came out. I wouldn't be the same person no matter how long he gave me.' Piper's voice had quieted, and she'd begun fiddling with the end of her zipper on her jacket with her free hand. 'I mean, he said some stuff that I could've punched him for, but I guess that might not have been the best idea, considering where punching got me last time.'

Alex's thumb ran over the back of Piper's hand, grinning. 'Okay, now this I have to hear.'

Piper made a face. 'He said he forgave me.'

'He  _forgave_  you?'

'Yep.' Piper shook her head and laughed dryly. 'He forgave me, like he was Saint Larry and everything I did was wiped clean, and that we should start over like a fucking game of Monopoly.' She hadn't quite forgiven him, as a matter of fact, but she would, in time. For herself, rather than for Larry.

'Jesus Christ.' Alex shifted her glasses slightly, grinning. 'That's pretty high on the asshole scale, even for someone with a dick.'

'Saint Larry, come to save me from the perils of Litchfield.' Piper snorted. It scared her to no end, but she'd never seen herself so bare like she had in prison, and there wasn't a single place in there that she could hide from the parts of herself she didn't like. 'He's not a bad person. He just... Can't understand. And the funny thing was that he asked me to help him understand, and the thing is that I did, months ago, but he couldn't see past his own bottlenose perspective and it hit me that he didn't really want to.'

If she'd gone back to Larry, she'd be running back to a mould of herself that didn't fit anymore, no matter how she twisted and turned. And no matter how he said he would adjust, the foundations of whatever they'd had were tainted by the fact that he'd never know the whole of Piper Chapman, and if he did, he'd never grow to love her the way someone else could.

The way someone else had.

'I'm no saint, but I'll still save your fucking ass when it needs saving.' Alex chuckled. 'It's too nice an ass for me to just leave there,' she added, her eyes glinting.

Piper turned to look at her, and she wasn't sure whether the affection she felt at that moment would come spouting out of her eyes, but fuck, she hoped it wouldn't. It had always been difficult for Alex's way, to spin her words, but Piper had never appreciated it more. 'I know.' Piper tilted her head with a small smile. 'So if you're saving me, who's saving you?'

'Nobody,' Alex affirmed proudly. 'I cover my own ass, but it'd be easier to have you there when everything's going to shit.'

'Even when I'm being an asshole and am totally useless for all intents and purposes?' Like when she'd whine and moan about being left at home with nothing to do when Alex was probably simultaneously sorting out mules, fighting off competition, and keeping higher ups happy so neither of them ended up on their asses on the street, or worse, with a bullet between the eyes.

'You'd never be useless, kid. Sometimes kinda dumb,' Alex confessed, tucking a tendril of Piper's hair behind her ear, 'but never useless.'

'Oh yeah?'

'Yeah, you make me laugh - and keep me on my toes - because of all the stupid shit you do.'

'Wow.  _Wow_.' Piper tried not to sound too incredulous, grinning despite herself. 'So glad to be of service, Miss Vause.'

Alex adjusted her glasses. 'Well, you're hot too, and that always helps.'

'Alex!'

'What? Was I supposed to mention how you're all bad ass now? Because I guess you could be the muscle in the relationship once we get out.'

'That's not funny.'

'It's kind of funny.'

'Shut up, don't be an asshole.'

Alex held her hands up in surrender, trying not smile too widely at the way Piper's lips pouted. 'Pipes, you know what I mean.' She reached over and gently pinched the sides of Piper's jaw with her thumb and index finger, pressing her lips into a fish face. 'C'mon, you adorable little fucker, we both know it's shitty when you're mad at me, and that I love you to distraction, so smile a bit.'

When Piper looked up, Alex's fingers were still squeezing the sides of her mouth together, so when she smiled, it came out fairly squished. She pulled Alex's hand away, but covered it with her own in her lap. 'You do, huh?'

Alex sucked in her lips to hold in a laugh, but a snicker bubbled up nonetheless. 'Yeah. Yeah, I do, actually.'

It was obvious what Piper said next, but because Alex's fingers had returned to squish her mouth, it came out sounding more like,

'Ah luhff yew tew, yew asshull.'


	13. What It Comes Down To

Nicky found Piper poring over a glaringly thick book in the library, sitting at one of the tables as she chatted with Taystee, who was sorting through the trolley of book returns behind her.

'Where's your Queen of the Lesbiamazons?' Nicky asked, sliding into the seat beside Piper.

Piper nearly choked, covering her laughter with her hand. Even Taystee snickered, sliding a couple of books onto a shelf.

'Um, she's still down in the laundry, but she'll probably be here soon, if you want to wait.' Piper pressed her lips together to stifle her giggles. 'You know, for, um, Her Majesty.'

'Nah, I'm not lookin' for her. I needed to ask ya something.'

Straightening in her chair, Piper's eyebrows lifted. 'About what?'

Nicky looked over at the doorway warily, then leaned closer. 'Not a word about this to Vause, all right?'

'Nicky, just ask me.'

'...You talked to Morello lately?'

Taystee burst out laughing, earning herself glares from around the library, but she cackled on anyway, rolling her eyes at an inmate at a table nearby. 'What you starin' at, bitch? That shit's funny.'

'Yeah, yeah, hardy-har-har, Jefferson,' Nicky grumbled.

'Listen,' Taystee said, pointing a copy of The Odyssey at Nicky, 'stop bein' such a pussy-ass bitch, and get your damn girl before she make all our ears fall off about what damn colour her honeymoon panties gon' be.'

Piper was smiling, but she still looked mildly confused. 'Why can't you talk to Morello yourself?'

'Ehh,' Nicky grunted, waving a hand, 'we talk, but it feels weird talkin' to her about Christopher, 'cause I uh... Said some shit about... Bora Bora.' She coughed. '...Bora.'

'You mean Bora Bora?'

'You try tellin' Morello that.' Tapping her fingers over the table lightly, Nicky lowered her voice again. 'Look, Piper, is she still talkin' about Christopher Pencildick and her imaginary wedding or what?'

Lifting her eyes upward, Piper blinked. 'Come to think of it...' Lorna had, in fact, not mentioned her fiancé, or her wedding, in quite some time, which was odd, considering it was the only thing she talked about.

Ever.

Piper didn't need to say any more, because Nicky smiled then - not the self-satisfied smirk that she and Alex had equally perfected in their own way - though Alex's was the only one that turned Piper's insides to jello - but an honest, delighted smile.

'Yeah, I thought so,' she said, shrugging as she leaned back in her seat, tilting her head at Piper. 'Boo says she hasn't brought it up in days, and you know she can only go five minutes without sayin' something about it before she explodes.'

'Well,' Piper sighed, closing her book, 'she was pretty keen on the thought of something nice waiting for her on the outside.' She paused, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. 'Well - I mean - something nice on the inside is good too - I just meant - '

'Yeah, yeah, don't hurt yourself, Chapman,' Nicky laughed, patting Piper's back. 'I get what you mean.' She stared at Piper for a moment before asking, 'What made you turn your fiancé down?' Nicky chuckled at the surprised look on Piper's face. 'I'm not asking why you picked Alex - I'm asking why you  _didn't_  pick Larry this time. Like, I get you probably realised not picking Alex last time was an asshole move - '

'It wasn't like I was picking between them,' Piper said plainly, shrugging. 'It was between Larry and No Larry, not Larry and Alex. I mean, I love Alex, and I'm pretty sure I loved Larry at some point, and maybe I still do. What it really came down to... It came down to choosing between the life I wanted and the life I was being offered, and then figuring out whether or not they were the same thing.' She looked up at the entrance to the library at the sound of the door, where Alex walked in, and Piper smiled at her before looking back at Nicky. 'Maybe Lorna just hasn't figured that part out yet.'

Nicky only shook her head with a grin when Alex appeared, and the tall woman's tiny whisper of hello against Piper's ear made Piper squirm - not uneasily, Nicky noted, more of a ticklish 'stop-or-I'll-fall-off-my-chair' kind of squirm - and when Alex sat down on Piper's other side, pulling her chair closer, arm over the back of Piper's, Piper comfortably leaned into her. Nicky guessed that the hand that slid off the table was somewhere on Vause's knee. Or higher. She couldn't really tell from the angle.

'Sorry I wasn't out earlier. The Jesus meth-heads sorted the sheets wrong,' Alex said, pressing her lips to Piper's hair, and when her fingers snuck beneath the edge of Piper's shirt by the curve of her shoulder, stroking the soft skin underneath, Piper didn't recoil. 'What'd I miss?'

Nicky stared at Piper, her eyes widening in silent pleas to keep the Morello issue quiet.

Piper shrugged, smiling at Alex. 'Nothing much.'

'Nichols all love-sick on Morello and shit,' Taystee added casually, wheeling away the trolley with a grin.

'Goddamn it.' Nichols laughed despite herself, shaking her head. She caught Alex's smirk, and wagged a finger. 'Don't. Just do not say anything, Vause. Not a fuckin' word.'

Alex put her hands up. 'Fine.' She leaned closer to Piper, whispering in her ear again.

Piper bit her lip to stop herself from giggling at the way Alex's breath tickled her ear, and looked at Nicky. 'Alex says to just talk to Lorna.'

'Tell Alex,' Nicky said slowly, looking at Alex like she'd spontaneously sprouted horns, 'that she's a fuckin' hypocrite, and an asshole.'

'Oh,' Piper sighed, 'I tell her the asshole thing all the time. Doesn't do much, really.' Alex pulled her close again, and she went quiet, listening before saying, 'Alex says - ' Her jaw dropped, and she straightened, smacking Alex lightly with the back of her hand. 'I'm not saying that!'

'Sayin' what?' Nicky asked.

'That just because you  _like_  pussy,' Alex drawled, tucking an indignant Piper against her side, 'doesn't mean you have to  _be_  one.'

'The hypocrisy continues,' Nicky sighed.

'You're the fucking hypocrite, sitting here and pining away for Morello,' Alex laughed. 'You're the one who told me everything I just said to you, and you can't even follow your own advice.'

Nicky face-planted the tabletop, groaning. 'I know. This love bullshit totally sucks ass.'

'And pussy,' Alex added promptly.

* * *

Alex found herself staring at Piper again - she found herself staring at Piper a lot these days - and sometimes it was because Alex thought she still looked too thin, and sometimes it was because Alex could never forget how close she came to losing Piper - how close Piper came to losing herself - and other times it was because Alex couldn't figure out how she'd wasted all that time without Piper between that day in Paris and the day they'd run into each other at Litchfield.

Today, however, Alex stared - Nicky would later swear that she'd found a palpable puddle of drool on the bathroom floor - because she was pretty sure that she'd die if she so much as blinked and missed even half a second of Piper taking her clothes off.

There were no shaky hands struggling to pull at garments, no fearful grey-blue eyes glued to the floor. No scurrying into the shower behind the curtain. Piper was undoing her bra when she reached over and wiped the corner of Alex's open mouth.

'Al, I'm flattered I have you so dumbstruck and drooling,' Piper told her, pulling her own khaki trousers down, 'but you're starting to look just a  _little_  creepy.' She held up her thumb and her forefinger, indicating just how little she meant.

Alex, meanwhile, had been standing by the open curtain of her own shower stall, wrapped in a towel. She and Piper had taken to showering in the 5am slot most days, which usually meant they were the only ones there, save for the occasional early bird straggler or two, and Alex should have applauded herself for managing to stay in her own shower beside Piper's every single time. They hadn't shared a stall since that first afternoon that had left purple marks on Alex's wrists, but showering together in separate stalls had allowed Piper to ease back into bare skin intimacy without invading Piper's fragile space.

Or it was, at least, what Alex kept telling herself to keep from jumping on Piper.

The fact wasn't lost on Alex that Piper had moved past the stage of stringy muscle on a too-thin frame, to a healthy-looking toned and willowy. The sharp angles of her body had filled out at last, and she didn't look like she'd spent years fighting for survival in the wilderness anymore. Alex didn't need glasses to know every slender curve of Piper's body - she'd felt them through the khakis whenever she slung an arm around her, or whenever Piper crawled between her legs and curled up against her in the library - but she'd seen them every morning in the shower for good measure. Like the faint lines of her navel, and the soft slope of where her neck met her shoulder. Her breasts - they weren't anyone's definition of big, Alex knew, but goddamn, they were pretty - the slim flaring of her hips, and the way they led to her lean thighs, and what lay between them -

'...Okay, you look like you're gonna eat me.' About to step into the stall, Piper drew her shower curtain open, laughing.

Oh, that was a very likely possibility.

'Take a shower with me.'

The smile froze on Piper's face. 'What?'

Alex shifted on her feet, taking Piper's hand in her own and lifting it to her lips. She pressed a kiss into Piper's palm. 'Take a shower with me.' They'd come this far - where Piper didn't hesitate to press her body into a hug, didn't flinch at a touch on her naked skin - and Alex would be okay if Piper wasn't ready, if Piper still said no, but God, Alex hoped she didn't. 'We don't have to do anything...' She lay a careful hand on Piper's bare shoulder, sliding it to cup the side of her neck, thumb lightly running over Piper's jaw. When Piper didn't withdraw, Alex stepped closer. She felt Piper's pulse quickening beneath the soft skin, and leaned upward to kiss Piper's forehead. 'It's okay if you don't want to,' Alex murmured.

But Alex really,  _really_  wanted her to want to.

When Piper finally lifted her gaze, her eyes clear and her mouth set in a line, Alex thought that it would be another one of the few times she'd actively and deliberately come onto Piper and had her advances outright rejected, and one of the even fewer times Alex was okay with it, but Piper's lips quirked upward in a sweet little smile, and Alex wondered if she'd ever been more confused in her entire life.

'Okay,' Piper whispered, leaning close and kissing the corner of Alex's mouth.

Alex blinked. 'Really?' Her brows drew together, and she took Piper's shoulders, rubbing up and down her arms. 'You're sure? Absolutely sure?'

Piper nodded, her smile growing wider, surer, and Alex could barely keep herself from yanking Piper under the spray with her.

* * *

Red looked up from chopping celery, sighing. 'Nicky, you're my daughter, and so I'm going to tell you in the most loving way possible that... You look a little pathetic.'

'Thanks, ma. You look nice today too.' Nicky grunted, leaning on the wall, watching Lorna carve faces into tonight's carrots on the far end of Red's bench, before turning on her heel and stalking out of the kitchen.

There had been a million times more drama and bullshit between Vause and Chapman, and they were necking and cuddling like a pair of high school seniors on most days. Granted, Vause wasn't getting laid, but nobody thought twice when she watched Piper like she was watching the fucking fireworks. There was a certain softness in Alex's eyes that Nicky couldn't quite place when she looked at Piper, and there was a certain kind of smile that Piper had that only Alex could bring about, and Nicky wondered if it would be so bad to be just a little soft on the inside too.

Grabbing a soda from the vending machines on the way back to the dorms, Nicky paused outside Morello's cube, her eyes falling on the oddly sparse surface of Lorna's locker and the wall beside her bed. Wedding magazines were usually piled high, and cut-outs usually plastered on the cube wall like paint, but Nicky might have thought that she was staring at the wrong bunk if she didn't know any better. The grey wall by her bunk was bare, and the only things on top of Lorna's locker were a brush, a couple of tubes of lipstick, and a bottle of moisturiser.

The smile that curved her lips was almost immediate, and her fingers hovered over Lorna's pillow for a minute before she withdrew her hand like a thief who'd been caught.

Fucking Vause was fucking right.

Maybe it all came down to the one person you couldn't shut out.

* * *

Thinking had never been a priority when it had come to Alex. Her 'act now, think later' had been an art form in itself, and Piper had been a keen student coming from a world where everything had been meticulously well-thought out, planned and placed, where rashness and impulse simply had no business.

Alex followed her instincts and her impulses, but then countered with such effortlessly shrewd, wily logic. With Alex, Piper had seen the finest balance between manipulative calculation and sheer recklessness, and she might well have considered it a thing of utter beauty if not for the way things had panned out in those last days in Paris; if Alex hadn't softened her with that offer of taking her out, then dangled a deceptive trip to Istanbul, because she knew what Piper needed, what made her smile and frown, what made the cogs beneath the blonde hair turn. Above all, she knew Piper's weaknesses, and she knew them like a conductor knew his symphony.

Alex  _knew_  Piper, and nothing could make her forget.

How to touch.

Where to kiss.

The exact moment when to slide her fingers inside her so that Piper gasped and clung to her like she was the whole world.

The water was barely lukewarm, and the stall shabby and cramped, but they could have been under a waterfall in Thailand and it probably wouldn't have mattered, because it felt like Alex was touching Piper everywhere and nowhere near enough all at once - and Piper wasn't afraid.

She only wanted more, and the more Alex gave, the more Piper realised that it wasn't enough - wouldn't ever be enough - and to be with Alex like this as frequently as possible was the only practical option she really saw. To have Alex and that gorgeous, infuriating mouth, and those deft hands within arm's reach whenever possible.

When Piper stifled her mouth against the pale, wet column of Alex's neck, Alex wanted to smirk, but then Piper writhed and gasped, and any script she could have written about how to fuck Piper stupid in the showers went out the window, so Alex followed only what her body already knew, what was already so instinctively familiar that she could have had a blindfold and she would have known what to do.

When Alex threw Piper headlong into the barrage of sensation, when the tension in the pit of Piper's belly coiled and finally snapped into a thousand burning fragments, Alex held her through every shudder, every fine shiver that snaked through her body, and when it was over, Piper's breath came heavy and deep, feeling like she was tasting oxygen for the first time in a long time.

So Alex did it all over again.

And again.

And again.

Until Piper slipped a hand between them and made Alex see just how much she remembered, too.

It was a strange kind of surrender, because Piper had finally stopped thinking, stopped listening to every voice in her head, and Alex had finally stopped fighting herself from having what she'd always wanted. They'd given up any pretence, knocked down any last barricades with unsurprising enthusiasm, and simply surrendered to the fact that there was indeed that one person in the world who they were wholly vulnerable to, that there was one person who knew exactly how to break them - to destroy them.

And then to trust that they wouldn't.

* * *

_-crawls into a hole and waits for feedback-_

_._._


	14. Shock Therapy

'I am sososososososososososo sorry.' Polly normally didn't do sheepish very well, but Piper had to admit, she was trying very hard. 'Please don't knock my teeth out. Dental is really expensive.'

Piper's mouth gathered in one corner, and her eyes remained narrow, staring her down, before she snapped. 'How the hell could you just let him spring me like that?!' she hissed.

'He's Pete's good friend, Pipes,' Polly told her ruefully. 'Pete asked me to - like, really asked me like a legit favour kind of asking - and he owes me for it too - '

'You're my  _best_  friend, Polly! And you owe  _me_!'

Polly shrank in her seat, as if she'd been caught stealing cookies before dinner. 'I know,' she whined. 'I'm really sorry, okay? I thought it wouldn't have been so bad to let you two talk. You were engaged, and I thought you could get some closure - '

'Or a fucking lecture.' Piper snorted. 'He  _forgave_  me, Polly. Fucking forgave me because the source of all screw-up in our relationship was me, and anything he did was excusable because he's, you know, a  _victim_.' She put finger apostrophes up at 'victim', and rolled her eyes. 'I was - I was in SHU for weeks, Pol. And it didn't even matter, because I'd just fucked up so epically that I wasn't technically human enough for a phone call, apparently.'

'Piper, I did tell you that I found it very hard to believe that you two even lasted more than a month,' Polly said sagely.

Piper scowled.

Polly shrank again. 'Sorry. But seriously, if I'd known how much of a pussy he was going to be, I would have intervened a long time ago.'

'I probably wouldn't have listened to you, anyway.' Letting out a long breath between her lips, Piper tilted her head back, shutting her eyes. 'God, this is so fucked up.'

'Hell yeah it is,' Polly complained. 'Your former fiance is a dick, I'm running the soap business by myself, you're back with Supercunt,  _and_  you're in here for another year, Pipes. Who the hell is supposed to help me plan Finn's birthday parties so I can show up the snotty mommy brigade.'

'The snotty mommy brigade?'

'There's totally gonna be one at Finn's day-care.'

'He doesn't even go to day-care.'

'Not  _yet_ , but -'

'Wait, Pol, hold on,' Piper cut her off, 'I don't remember telling you I was back with Alex.'

'You are, aren't you?'

'Well - yeah,' Piper admitted somewhat guiltily - she hated keeping secrets from Polly -, 'I just don't think I told you that piece of... Information.'

Polly's eyebrows lifted, and she made a face as if to say,  _'Seriously?'_  She shook her head. 'You didn't  _need_  to. Supercunt's been standing at that window like a guard dog since the second I got here.'

'Wha - ' Piper twisted in her seat - and indeed, there Alex's unmistakeable figure stood on the other side of the window, her back toward them. Piper turned back to Polly with a smug smile. 'She's probably just worried you're going to send Larry again.'

'I  _said_  I was sorry,' groaned Polly. 'No more surprise visitors, I promise. Especially not dickhead exes. I really thought it would have been good for you to talk to him, Pipes. I didn't think he'd be a total asshole.'

It had been misguided, but well-meant. It had pissed Piper off every way from Sunday, but when she didn't think about wanting to punch Larry in the face, Polly's logic hadn't been so unreasonable. 'I know, Pol.'

'Speaking of punching people in the face...' Polly looked almost amused. 'Um - Cal did that already.'

_'What?'_

'Pete wanted to try out the new barbeque I bought him, so the day after Larry visited you, we invited Cal and Neri over for dinner. Larry too,  _because_  - ' she emphasised, holding a hand up defensively before Piper could cut her off, 'I didn't know what had happened yet. You called to tell me  _after_  I did the inviting.'

Piper looked only slightly mollified, her mouth set into an unimpressed line. 'Fine. Go on.'

'By the time you did, Cal and Neri were already at our place, and we were just waiting on Larry,' Polly went on, 'so I pulled Cal aside and... I told him. What you told me. When Larry showed up, Cal seemed fine. We were halfway through dinner when Pete asked how visitation went, and I don't even remember half of what came out of Larry's mouth because Cal's fist was rammed up there pretty fast.'

* * *

'Well, well,' Nicky drawled, looking up from her magazine, 'if it isn't the Vausegasm herself.'

One dark brow lifted, but the corner of Alex's lips quirked up. 'Where's Morello?' She lightly smacked Nicky's foot to make room on the bunk and sat down.

'Commissary. She's outta hair gel or something.' Folding her legs, and crossing her arms over her chest, Nicky grinned. 'So, how was it?'

Alex shrugged, shaking her head innocently. 'How was what?'

'You used up all the hot water in the block bathrooms, you fuckin' horndogs, don't play dumb,' Nicky playfully scolded. 'The entire dorm had to have cold showers yesterday 'cause of you two. Plus, Chapman's still walking, so I'm guessin' you're a little rusty.'

'I went easy on her,' Alex lied with a barely-contained grin wide enough to crack the top of her head open, lifting her glasses and pushing them into her hair.

If anyone was having trouble walking, it was probably her, but nobody needed to know that.

* * *

Piper removed Larry from her list a couple of weeks later, not only at the insistence of her mother and Polly, but Cal too. Alex had nonchalantly said it didn't bother her, but the nervous way she'd shifted her glasses told Piper otherwise.

'I still can't believe you punched him,' Piper said for the umpteenth time, trying to not to be too pleased at the fact that Cal - unassuming, open-minded, let's-all-have-a-beer-and-talk Cal - had punched Larry in the mouth for her sake.

'You punched your way into the stew,' Cal replied casually.

'SHU.'

'That's what I said.'

Resisting an eye roll, Piper shook her head. 'That's different - I was in danger.'

'Can we just say that the Chapman siblings are no longer passive Yes-people?' Cal suggested.

'I wasn't a Yes-person!'

'You're a compulsive people-pleaser, Pipes,' Cal laughed. 'And it got worse with Larry, and you were just nice and polite to people just to avoid anyone so much as hating your sweater.'

'That's not true!' Piper refuted hotly. 'There's nothing wrong in being polite - '

'So when do I get to meet this hot lesbian drug dealer of yours?' Cal interrupted cheerfully.

'... _Former_  drug dealer, Cal.'

'So she's still hot, right?'

'Bye, Cal.'

'Wait, wait - put me on your list, I'm gonna come see you sometime.'

Piper's mouth pursed into a rendition of her mother that she would never admit to. 'Fine.' Cal hadn't managed to come out to visit her yet, and for a moment, Piper thought of Nicky and sighed. If her brother was willing to come upstate to see her, she'd take what she could get.

Even if he just wanted to scope out how hot Alex was.

* * *

Alex found her reading in a corner of the library, sheltered by the stacks and the shelves, and quietly sidled up beside her, drawing her knees up to her chest at first, eventually stretching her long legs out in front of her.

'Isn't Huxley a little too existentialist for you?' Alex remarked lightly, settling her hand on Piper's thigh with comfortable familiarity, her mouth turning to a playful grin at the soft thud of Piper's book closing.

'Self-awareness is a beautiful thing,' Piper murmured. Shrugging, she slipped her fingers between Alex's.

'Heard you got transferred back to Electric.'

'Yep. They're cutting the number of night classes because of budget cuts, so I'm back to regular shock therapy fixing lamps and toasters.'

'Aw. Any booboos you need me to kiss better?' Alex pushed her glasses into her hair with a chuckle, squeezing Piper's hand lightly.

'Not yet.' Piper nudged her and laughed, before she caught Alex's suddenly pensive expression. '...What?'

Alex thought it would have been easier talking to Piper when she could finally look into her eyes and  _see_  Piper, but even though Piper's eyes were warm and sweet and filled with something Alex hadn't ever been able to deny, having serious conversations with Piper had never been easy, not ever. It was one thing when Piper tried to initiate them, but starting those kinds of discussions herself with Piper were like trying to wade waist-deep in syrup - Alex kept getting stuck, but  _goddamn_ , it was sweet. 'I don't have a plan for when we get out,' she blurted, unable to find a way to say what she was trying to, let alone one that was remotely charming.

Piper almost laughed, her eyebrows flying up. 'Okay..?' She shook her head slightly, perplexed. 'What brought that up?'

Those kinds of questions were the kind that Alex didn't know how to answer. Outside of prison, she'd known what she'd wanted, and had planned exactly how to get it. She'd been the steady one - albeit her brand of steady. She'd been able to protect, to  _provide_ , and while she was hardly broke - she'd had contingency plans like any good drug lord, after all - it was with near certainty that she couldn't go back to the life she'd had before prison, even if she'd wanted to. Alex couldn't just  _say_  that she'd brought up the subject because she was concerned about it.

How fucking sappy was that?

'Alex?' Piper was frowning now, and had shifted to face Alex better, her legs folded as she tilted her head. 'Al, what's going on?'

'You're going to be out of here in two years,' Alex said slowly, running her fingertips over Piper's arm. 'You're gonna get out in  _two years_ , and I'm still going to be here -'

'Alex, that's still a long way away - '

'I've got nine years, Pipes,' Alex went on, lifting her head and piercing Piper with a gaze that made Piper's mouth clamp shut. 'Nine  _fucking_  years, and I haven't even been here for one. I'm not getting whiny about it, but I don't know what I'm going to do when I get out.'

'I thought,' Piper said, somehow smiling again, 'you said that was the point of being with you.'

'Piper, I'm being serious.'

'You're never serious.'

'Can you just think about this for one fucking second - '

'Alex.' Piper pressed her lips together. ' _Alex_.' It had taken two hands on either side of Alex's face, her thumbs over Alex's lips to get room to talk. 'You're worrying about something that doesn't  _need_  to be worried about. That's my job, I'm the WASP, remember?' When Alex tried to speak, Piper's thumbs pressed against her lips again, and she met Alex's gaze squarely, her voice soft, but clear. 'You don't need to figure it all out now.  _We_  will figure this out, and  _we_  will take it as it comes.' She tilted her head, smiling wryly as she brushed a kiss over Alex's lips, then dropped her hands. 'Look, when I get out, you're going to call me as often as possible, and I'm going to tell you that Polly says hi, even if she doesn't. And I'm going to come to visitation, and you're going to tell me how Red still hasn't caught the chicken, and I'll describe in agonizing detail about how I gorged on a deep-dish pepperoni pizza at 2am. And if you fuck Nicky again, so help me Alex Vause - '

'Are you fucking kidding me?'

'Just checking.' Piper tried to suppress a smirk. Unsuccessfully. 'Why are you being such a pussy about all this, anyway?'

Alex looked highly insulted. 'I'm not being a pussy, I'm being - '  _Careful_ , she wanted to say, but careful wasn't a word that she associated with herself very often. She'd had so much to offer Piper eight years ago, but that Piper and the one making fun of her wanted different things - the one laughing at her right now wanted more.  _Deserved_  more. Alex wasn't sure she'd ever be able to deliver on the nuclear family and the bathroom remodelling and the nesting, but -

'Yeah, you are,' Piper insisted, laughing again. 'Look, Alex, I know I launched the end game shit on you before, but if I'm being honest, I could care less about the plan and more about the fact that whatever the plan turns out to  _be_ , I'm pretty sure it's going to be okay as long as we're doing it together.'

Alex's mouth searched for something to say, but her heart had lodged so far up her throat, she wondered if she'd choke. When her lips and her brain reached a tentative agreement, she said dryly, 'Kid, when did you get all mature?'

Piper shrugged smugly. 'Oh, y'know. I have my moments of brilliance in between all the bad-assery.'

'But seriously - '

'Say seriously one more time and all Big Spoon privileges are revoked.'

Alex pursed her lips, but hid behind a smile, and hooked an arm around Piper's neck, pulling her over. 'What I was  _trying_  to say,' she drawled as Piper wriggled and squirmed to sit beside her again, 'is what do you want to do when we get out?'

It took a moment, but Piper looked up at the library ceiling, smiling.

'You remember those strawberries I used to get from the markets in Paris?'


	15. White Chapchocolate

_Zzzzzaaap!_

'Ow!'

Piper sucked on her finger, glaring at the small appliance on her workbench. They'd been at war since the morning, but the dull metallic toaster had declined to show any normal signs of functionality. Until it had sent a small, but not painless, shock as a warning.

Toasters still had it out for her. She could  _feel_  it.

'Jesus Blondie, don't you ever turn the power off before you start tinkerin'?' Nicky shook her head, when Luschek barked out that work was over, he had somewhere to be, and if they didn't leave in the next two minutes, they were all getting a shot.

Nicky pulled Piper out of the workshop by the arm, and hurriedly zipped her grey jacket up as they walked towards the main building. 'Fuck me, it's supposed to be spring already, but my fuckin' titties are frozen out here.'

'Morello still not keeping them warm?'

Piper snorted out a laugh as Alex came toward them from the path, hands tucked into her pockets. 'Alex,' she scolded half-heartedly, but found Alex's warm hand wrapping around hers anyway.

'I remember a time when your titties were cold too, Vause,' Nicky said brightly, cocking her head towards Piper. 'Blondie over here just had the good grace to get her hands on 'em before they fell off from frostbite.'

'Pretty sure you were keeping them warm for me, Nicky,' Piper said, though she was smiling.

Alex forced down the laugh that threatened to bubble up at Nicky's face, pulling Piper along before Nicky caught up and walked beside them toward the doors.

'It's Red's birthday next week,' she said, as though Piper and Alex hadn't tag-teamed her about Morello only moments before.

'Do I smell a party?' Alex asked, grinning.

'You smell correctly, Vause,' Nicky announced. 'I'd ask Morello to help plan, but she might turn it into a wedding reception, Litch-style.'

'You mean like, toilet-paper confetti?' Piper lifted her brows as Alex opened the door and let her through, following after Nicky. 'I thought she wasn't all about the wedding anymore.'

'She's not,' Nicky conceded, tilting her head side to side. 'But can't be too careful, now, can I?'

'Nicky,' Alex breathed as they rounded the corner toward the Suburbs. 'Just get Morello alone, say you miss her, and that you'd like to fuck her brains out. If she starts again with the fiancé shit, just keep her mouth busy. It's kinda simple.'

'That's terrible advice,' Piper pondered aloud, walking between the two women.

'I'm supposed to be taking advice from  _you_?' Nicky asked Alex incredulously.

Alex grinned. 'Well,  _I'm_  getting laid. I'd say I'm the most qualified out of the two of us.' She only grinned wider when Piper slugged her in the arm.

'Okay — okay — cut it out, neither of you are in any position to write any how-to dating guides,' Piper proclaimed, holding her hands out between them like a referee, 'considering one of you can't take her own advice, and the other uses sex to shut me up.'

* * *

'Could be worse.'

'I've realised.'

Cal Chapman looked at the room around him, nodding like he'd found a decent restaurant rather than Litchfield's visitation room. He motioned to the table between him and his sister. 'I thought there'd be that glass wall between us and we'd have to use those phone things.'

'That's probably for higher security prisons,' Piper said. Cal had been telling her about Neri, and living in the woods, and getting engaged, and she realised that he often kept out of the social fishbowl their parents liked to live in, but saw no problem in living like a hybrid bohemian hippie that hunted his own food; his life seemed simultaneously reasonable and bizarre.

'So where's Alex?' Cal craned his neck around the room again, twisting in his seat like an eager third grader. 'Is she in here?'

Piper's eyes rolled so far back, she might've seen what was behind her if she'd had holes in the back of her head. 'No.' Yvonne hadn't come lately — Piper wondered if Alex had, in her special way, told her to take a hike. Sighing, Piper pointed to the visitation room windows that viewed through the corridors, where Alex had taken to waiting for her during visitation. They were going to meet eventually, and if anyone in her family was going to actually like Alex, it was probably going to be Cal. 'She's over there.'

Cal turned the other way, right when Alex lifted her head to look through the windows. She blinked as he stared, and Piper hid her face in her hands.

'Piper,' Cal said, finally turning around, 'I question the fact that you went from someone who looks like  _that_ , to someone who looks like... Larry.'

'Gee, thanks, Cal.' She rolled her eyes again, but smiled when she caught Alex's grin over Cal's shoulder. 'Hey, look, about Larry...'

'Say no more,' Cal said, holding a hand up. 'You're my sister, Piper, and if some dude from Manhattan wants to marry you one second, then air your dirty laundry on radio the next, ignore you, and have the balls to call you out on your shit like you're Satan, all of which while you're in prison and he's kissing Ira Glass' ass, then my less-than-perfect right hook is the least of his problems.'

Piper tried to blink back the tears, but she laughed when she couldn't, reaching over the table to put her hands on Cal's arm. 'Thanks, Cal.' When Cal grinned, Piper had never loved her brother more.

'Hey, what else am I gonna do when someone talks smack about my semi-lesbian sister?'

'Semi-lesbian?'

'Well,' Cal countered, 'you're not exclusively gay. And you  _clearly_  have an inclination towards hot girls.' He took another brief look over his shoulder at Alex, who, Piper noticed, was watching intently. 'You want to call yourself bi or whatever, then that's your own label, but you like what ya like, Piper. You don't choose that.' He shrugged. 'And you love who you love, and if you love a super hot, former drug dealer who happens to have a vagina and tits, then, that's who you love.'

'...How the hell did you turn out so good?' Piper started to cry again, and Cal shook his head, laughing, leaning over the table to wipe the tears on her cheeks.

'I had a kinda cool sister,' he told her very seriously. 'She was a little nuts, but hey, best person I knew when I was growing up.'

* * *

'Higher.'

'This is as high as I'm going on this fucking ladder, Nicky.'

Nicky threw a jellybean at Alex's back as the tall woman reached up to hang decorations on the wall. Birthdays weren't usually cause for taking over the rec room — normally reserved for when inmates left as opposed to something that happened every year — but this was Red, and Nicky knew she'd had a year with plenty of things that they would  _all_  rather have forgotten. 'Ain't as tall as you look, Vause.'

'I'm tall  _enough_ ,' Alex responded, grinning and taping the paper towel  _Happy Birthday Red_  banner to the wall.

'It's a little crooked.' Piper dropped the bundle of packets of chips in her arms from commissary onto a nearby table and pointed to where Alex had finished hanging the banner on the wall.

Alex glared.

'She's right, Vause,' Nicky laughed as Alex stepped down the ladder. 'But don't worry about it, s'long as everyone can see it and read it. Well, see it. I'm still not sure everyone in this place can read.'

Chuckling, Alex hooked an arm over Piper's shoulders, pretending to admire her handiwork on the wall before prodding Nicky. 'So, uh, where's Morello?'

'Keepin' Red as busy as possible outside the kitchen.' Nicky waved at Big Boo, who, along with Yoga Jones, came lugging cans of soda from the vending machines. 'Y'know how fuckin' hard it is to keep the damn head of the kitchen away long enough to bake a fuckin' cake?'

Alex reached for a bag of chips. 'No idea, I can't bake for shi—  _ow!_ ' Piper smacked her hand away.

'Those are for the party, you fat-ass.' Nicky gave Piper an approving grin. 'Chapman, keep your girl from stuffing her face before Red gets here. You're on food guard duty. I trust you will defend the food as you defended yourself against Pennsatucky.' She patted Piper on the shoulder as she walked past, laughing at the finger Vause put up.

* * *

It was an hour after lunch when Morello led Red to the rec room where a remarkably uncoordinated yell of  _'Surprise!_ ' made Nicky smack her forehead. Red looked furious for about half a second before she looked like she might cry, but hid it in a suffocating hug with Nicky.

'Who wants cake?' Big Boo grinned, carrying an impressive white-frosted slab, courtesy of the kitchen girls. Candles — and the potential fire involved — had been the only thing that Nicky hadn't been able to sway by the COs, but Red listened to the inmates' chorus of Happy Birthday without them and happily cut the cake herself.

Red had strongly objected to the original choice of radio station — but the milling around with cake and soda didn't quite sit with Nicky, who negotiated several foot massages for music that didn't make the room feel like an awkward ass cocktail party.

'You gonna dance with yo girl?' Poussey prodded warily, pulling a chair up beside Alex, who was distractedly pushing cake around her plate as her eyes followed Piper across the room.

Alex blinked, turning to look at Poussey. 'Uh... I guess.' She rarely spoke to girls from the Ghetto, but Piper had formed a strange friendship with them, and Alex supposed it was why Poussey was talking to her at all. Inmates from the Ghetto either avoided her or appeared to hate her. Not chat over cake. 'She looks busy.' Piper was helping Red serve out seconds of the cake — which, Alex admitted, was less mealy and bland than expected.

' _"She looks busy"_ ' Taystee mocked in her best politician's voice. 'Girl, please. Stop starin' at White Chapchocolate and help us get some people dancin' up in here! Nichols finally got Red to change the music to shit that don't make us sleep!'

White...  _Chapchocolate_? 'Ah, so there's an ulterior motive,' Alex chuckled, pushing her glasses up her nose.

'A what now?'

'...Never mind.' Alex put her plate of cake down and sauntered over to where Red was still handing out slices with Piper. ]Alex looped an arm around Piper's waist, ignoring the awaiting gazes of Taystee and Poussey across the room.

'Oh, good,' Red said, waving the plastic cake knife coated in frosting at Alex. 'You can get rid of Blondie, she's been hovering like a helicopter. Here.' She pushed a plate of cake in Piper's hands, and shooed them both away.

'I was just — I was being helpfu- ' Piper was interrupted by a forkful of sponge cake.

Alex smirked, one eyebrow quirking upward in a challenge. 'Now, who says I have to use sex to shut you up? Food works pretty well too.'

Chewing as the corner of her mouth curled upward in a badly-attempted sneer, Piper rolled her eyes, snatching the plastic fork from Alex's fingers. 'Food has always been an effective bargaining chip. You are extremely late in figuring that out.'

'Whatever you say, Chapchocolate.'

Piper choked on her cake. 'What — '

'Where the hell is Nicky?!' Red spluttered as Big Boo tugged her into the non-existent dance floor, where Black Cindy was already hauling Chang and Yoga Jones into a bizarre conga-twerk hybrid. 'I'm not going to dance to this!' she protested, but Big Boo only laughed.

Alex craned her neck, her brows lifting. 'Where  _is_  Nicky?'

Piper reached for a can of soda, taking a sip before she put a hand on Alex's shoulder to steady herself as she went up on her toes to look over the suddenly-formed crowd of khaki dancing. 'Alex...'

'You see her?'

'No,' Piper said, coming down and flattening her feet against the floor with a grin. 'But Morello's gone too.'


	16. Gimme Five Minutes With Those Dry Goods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is actually completed, and has been since October last year, but on ff.net... I forgot to update the story here, so I apologise. Mah bad.

* * *

'Al — Al, we can't- '

'Oh, I think we can...'

'Lights out is in five minutes!' It was a last-ditch attempt at any sort of resistance to Alex's sweet-talk as they neared the chapel. She led Piper around the back, pressing Piper against the wall by the door to the stage.

'Baby,  _five minutes_ ,' Alex murmured wickedly, around a smirk no less, 'is  _plenty_  of time.'

The truth was a beautiful thing, Piper thought, giggling, as Alex pulled her through the door, when two figures on the floor by the altar jolted upright, scrabbling for their clothes.

Piper blinked, and Alex turned, her eyebrows only lifting slightly before an amused smile came through.

'Oh,' Nicky said, like she'd found a penny on the ground, sitting up and awkwardly covering her body with her trousers as Lorna hid behind her, 'hey. You guys want a gang bang, or somethin'?'

* * *

'I'm just saying,' Piper insisted innocently, pulling the plastic off of her fruit cup, 'I've noticed a pattern developing around breakfast time.' Beside her, Alex laughed into her hand.

Morello looked like a cornered animal, eyes wide as teacups, her voice strung higher than a kite. 'D-don't be ridiculous,' she squeaked, waving her hand frantically. They saw. They  _knew_ , and she had the balls to use Nicky's words to prove it. Lorna looked at Alex, but the way the taller woman grinned told Lorna that she found it as funny as Piper did.

'Back to liking pink, are you, Morello?' she quipped, angling her body towards Piper.

'She's always liked pink,' came Nicky, setting her tray down and chuckling next to Lorna, who sent her a panicked look. 'Sweets. Cut the deer in the headlights crap. Vause can smell a rat like I can smell pussy.' She did, however, rub Lorna's back to accompany her words.

Morello certainly didn't need any blush that morning.

'Well, well,' Red chuckled as she walked by, standing at the end of the table with a plastic mug of tea. She glanced at Alex's subtly protective bearing beside Piper, then at Nicky's assuring hand on Lorna. 'You all look... Sweet.' When laughs began to bubble up around the table, she added, 'Too sweet. Sickeningly sweet. Stop it. Have some yogurt.' She planted a stack of small yogurt tubs in the centre of the table. 'You make prison look like a picnic.'

'Hey, mommy, we're just workin' with what we got,' Nicky defended, laughing. 'Don't worry, we haven't fucked in the kitchen yet... Just the pantry.'

Red looked horrified. 'You stay away from my dry goods, they're meant to stay  _dry_!'

* * *

Piper turned on her side, her back to the wall of the cube, when she sensed something shift in the darkness. That warmth was there again, the one that she woke to some nights only to find nothing there, but Piper reached out before she opened her eyes towards the unfamiliar weight on her bunk as it moved, and caught a much more familiar hand. The weight stilled, pressing lips on her knuckles.

She opened her eyes, peering into the dark. Piper should have known, and it shouldn't have been a surprise, but when Alex reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear, Piper still didn't have words. 'What are you doing?' Piper whispered, smiling. 'You're gonna get a shot.'

Alex put a hand on the hip underneath her blanket, grinning despite the potential trouble. 'I haven't been caught yet, kid, give me some credit.'

A frown drew Piper's brows together, before she lifted them. 'You used to say that all the time.' There'd been days when she'd voiced anxiety about Alex's relationship with the law, days when Alex would only give her that smile that made everything else melt away, when Alex lived as cockily as she pleased, because it was the only way to survive in her line of work. Risk was the only path to reward, and there wasn't anything worth having in the world if there wasn't something she was prepared to risk for it.

'Yeah, well.' Alex shrugged, smirking. 'No fun in playing it safe all the time, is it?'

Piper agreed wholeheartedly. 'So, you admit that being safe sometimes is okay?'

'I admit no such thing,' Alex said. 'I merely think that certain risks are worth soldiering through the bullshit for.' She looked over at Red, who let out a ripping snore, then lowered her voice again. 'I fought for you, kid, and don't you fucking forget it.'

Piper sat up, drawing her knees up to her chest as she leaned forward, touching her lips to Alex's cheek. 'I did come with a lot of bullshit,' she sighed.

'And because I went through the shit to get you, now you're stuck with me for good, and I am coming after you if you think you can hide in a Park Slope basement with a white collar husband and an SUV.' Alex's words were soft, and she chuckled. 'You don't trust my judgement?'

'Sometimes.' Piper shook her head, unable to help the laugh that came up. She would have fought for Alex in less than a heartbeat, but she still wondered why Alex even considered doing the same. 'You are a pragmatist, after all.'

 _A pragmatist whose entire world revolved around someone else_. 'Wanna get out of here?' Alex asked suddenly.

'What?' Piper rubbed her eyes, combing her fingers through her tangled hair. 'Where are we gonna go? It's not even 4am.'

* * *

'When we're out,' Piper said lightly, 'we're going to find it weird not fucking in chapels and utility closets.' Lying on her back behind the altar, Alex's head resting on her middle, Piper gently pulled her dark hair away to trace over the familiar salt shaker on Alex's shoulder.

A low rumble came from Alex's chest, sending the fine tremors over Piper's side. 'Let's hope you don't develop any weird fetishes in here, kid. You're enough for me to handle as it is.' She splayed a hand over Piper's stomach possessively, gliding down to softly skim over her hipbones. It was rare that they were naked together outside of the showers — a luxury that no amount of Alex's money or charm could afford in prison — so when the opportunity arose, Alex lunged with both arms open. Opportunity being painfully early mornings, even before the 5am shower stragglers, because the small window after work and before dinner was clearly Nicky and Morello's slot.

'Oh, didn't I tell you that I've come to love having to be really,  _really_  quiet during sex?' Piper quipped, earning herself a light prod in the ribs.

'You're damn near impossible to keep quiet,' Alex growled, shifting so she leaned on both arms on the floor at Piper's sides, bending her head to drag her lips over Piper's navel. When Piper's fingers threaded through her hair, she smiled. 'And the second I get out of this hellhole, I'm going to make sure everyone in a two-block radius think there's a fucking fire because of you.'

'You couldn't.'

'Excuse me?' Alex looked up, crawling to hover and look down at Piper, one dark brow raised. 'Are we forgetting that weekend in Nha Trang?' There was a pause, and in it, Alex's eyes filled with something that made Piper shiver in the best possible way. 'And the summer on the French Riviera? Or that trip to Boracay?'

'No, of course not,' Piper protested softly, grinning, her hands cupping the sides of Alex's face. 'I wasn't that loud because of you. I was just boosting your self-esteem.'

Alex's eyes narrowed. 'Fuck you, take that back.' Lowering herself to lie against Piper, Alex pressed her open mouth over Piper's throat, taking one of her nipples between her fingers, another hand ambling its way between Piper's slowly spreading legs.

'Never,' Piper gasped, her back arching on the wooden floor of the stage. It was by no means comfortable, but who fucking  _cared_  when Alex's mouth and hands were just  _so_  dedicated? When there was Alex, who fucking cared about anything? She trusted Alex, more than what anyone she knew would consider wise, but Piper had learned that she needed to trust herself, too.

She would, eventually, come to know that things had a funny way of working out when she did.


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said last chapter, this is long overdue, but it has been published on fanfiction.net since last year, so I'm really sorry to everyone who had to wait on here. Partly due to my laziness, and partly due to my forgetfulness, but this is the final chapter, and I'm glad if you enjoyed this story even a little bit.

**Epilogue**

_Paris_

_September, 2018_

The air in the apartment was cool, but the scent of roasted coffee faintly filled the rooms. It was the latter end of the changeover between summer and fall, where mild days shifted into crisp evenings, and very few remnants of the summer's tourists remained. Late morning sun spilled into the room, but a draft had slipped through the balcony doors looking out onto the rippled surface of the Seine.

The long limbs of Alex Vause sprawled over the bed, sheets wound and tangled around her as she lay on her stomach. The breeze slid over her skin, and she stirred, taking a deeper breath as her eyes squinted open in the morning light. She blinked once, twice, reaching for a pair of glasses that she wasn't entirely sure was there. An inaudible sigh of relief came as her fingers wrapped around the familiar frames on the bedside, and Alex sat up as she put them on, instinctively wrapping the sheet under her arms.

She would never get used to waking up alone.

Alex cast an unhurried, appreciative glance at her surroundings; the Feds might have confiscated an obscene amount of money and property, but it certainly hadn't been  _all_  of it. The holdings she'd had in the States were gone, but the funds she'd kept safe in various accounts and investments overseas had taken care of themselves, and had only continued to grow when the DEA had offered her another deal — assist in the arrest of her cartel kingpin, in exchange for early release. Admittedly, early release had come with an ankle monitor for a minimum of the investigation, plus one year. Alex rolled her right ankle around reflexively. The anklet had only been gone a few weeks. Her role in the arrest of the kingpin had wiped years off her sentence, but being outside Litchfield hadn't felt like freedom at all.

She'd spent four years behind bars, then another one and a half years confined to New York with a glorified dog collar. Piper had been released from prison two years into Alex's own sentence, and she had come back for visitation, often, of course, but it was never quite the same. Alex had called her from the inside on other days, and there were times when the sound of Piper's voice had made everything easier, even if only by a little bit, but Alex wasn't sure what hurt more; never getting to  _say_  goodbye to her mother, or having to  _repeatedly_  say goodbye to Piper. And then there'd been the six months that had separated them completely; Alex's early release had been kept under wraps, and her presence in New York had been classified, for her own safety. She'd gotten out of prison, but had lived in isolation from everyone she knew as the trade-off.

It could have been worse, Alex supposed, but this trip to Paris had been her prize, her trophy for not fucking up and getting herself more time in prison, for the work she'd done for the DEA to bring down the upper rungs of the cartel. Her reward for accepting that things were no longer what they were, could never return to the way they were, and that she had no shadowy figures or underworld reputation to back her anymore. For fighting for herself again. For doing good.

Soft footsteps padded over the hardwood floor, and Alex looked to the bedroom door, smiling at the bare legs and the oversize shirt her companion had clearly hauled on in the dark; it was inside out. Alex's smile widened at the two cups of coffee in her hands.

'I thought I smelled coffee,' Alex said, taking the cup. She looked down at the milk foam of her coffee suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. 'Since when do you make espresso and not buy it?'

'For every half-decent cafe au lait in France, there are a thousand shitty ones,' Piper told her plainly, carefully climbing back into the bed, facing Alex with a grin. 'Ask anybody, I make kick-ass coffee.'

Alex took a sip, her lips curving almost immediately in pleasure. '...Okay, that's pretty good for someone who can barely boil water without scalding herself.'

'Hey.' Piper hit her shoulder, a momentary pout crossing her face before she let herself smile as smugly as she possibly could. 'I learned a couple of tricks while you were tracking down baddies,' she added airily as she leaned over, kissing the corner of Alex's mouth, then licking away the foam on her lip.

'So you're not a latte-drinking WASP elite, but a latte- _making_  WASP elite,' Alex mused (Piper smacked her leg for it), laughing. She wrapped both her hands around the warm cup, eyes languidly drawing over Piper's face, eventually holding her gaze at the steely blue-grey of her eyes. 'You didn't have to wait, you know.'

'I know.' Piper had left prison with Alex's promise that, if she still wanted her in seven years, then she was hers. In the meantime, Piper had licence to live her life — seven years was a long time, and Alex wasn't stupid or selfish enough — at least, not any more — to ask her to wait that long. Then the DEA had dangled Alex an offer that was equal parts damning and emancipating, and whatever path they were going down — together or separately — swerved in several directions at once. Piper had seen Alex twist every which way to get what she wanted, but this had been different. 'But how could I not?' There had been nights, and people in them who she considered taking home just to clear the cobwebs, but Piper could never bring herself to do it. She'd been wrong, so wrong, that day at Litchfield, demanding a plan, an endgame.

Alex  _was_  endgame, and she didn't need a plan for them both. They could work it out, over affogatos in Milan and deep-dish pizzas in Chicago, or over strawberries in Paris. It didn't really matter where, or how.

As long as they did it together.

'I'm glad you did, kid.'

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I scare you guys into thinking they'd gone their separate ways? ;)
> 
> ...Did I not? OTL
> 
> I got a request for a glimpse of post-Litch Vauseman, so there you have it. It's probably a nicer finish to the story than the last chapter, right? :)
> 
> So we are indeed at the end, and I just want to thank you all for reading and giving so much feedback. A lot of you have been following this story and spreading the word about it (thanks for the heads up on that, Ry :P), and you've stuck with it even when some chapters were... Rather lacklustre. There's been so much praise and positive commentary that I'm sure I don't quite deserve, but thank you guys so much anyway. The feedback made me haul my ass into gear when I felt I was being lazy or wasn't trying hard enough.


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